Please don't go! [YiZhan FF]✔️

-6- Growing up is hard.

-6- Growing up is hard.

Time passed and Zhan neither called nor came to visit. Our parents have even set up a new room for him and are also waiting for him to come home. He had given away his old furniture, which leads me to believe that Zhan did not plan to come back here and finally to me.

Now Zhan has been away for five months, the last contact of him had been three months ago and since then nothing has come. In the past three months I have built a new wooden platform that is even better than the old one. I hope Zhan will be able to forgive me, that I destroyed the platform he and I had painstakingly built ourselves, in a fit of despair and anger. Afterwards I felt sorry and swore to myself to build a new one.

So I looked for a part-time job and with the money I earned I bought the materials. On the weekends I worked on the platform and regularly took pictures of the progress. I hope Zhan will like it if he ever comes back.

I miss Zhan very much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I still often cry when the longing overcomes me and I just don't know what to do. I wish I could at least write to him, hear his voice now and then or see him.

On Chuyue's advice I even started to write a diary. Whenever I thought about Zhan and how it made me feel, I wrote in this diary. It has 80 pages and is almost full. Time to get a new one. Chuyue told me to give the diary to Zhan so he could see for himself how I felt about him.

Sometimes the meetings with Chuyue seem like a session with a therapist. We sit on a bench outside, I talk and he listens to me. Now and then he gives me homework to help me work on myself and slowly grow up. Well, I find growing up is hard.

When Chuyue told me that Zhan was more mature than me, I knew that I had to work on myself and with my therapist Chuyue, it works out quite well. Even Zhan's and my parents are amazed at how much I've changed. My mother told me to make sure that Zhan would still recognize me the next time he came here. I laughed and asked, "Next time? Has he come here in the meantime?" The answer was no, of course. Who else but me would know that too well?

Does Zhan still love me and still miss me too? I ask myself that all the time and wish there was someone who could answer me.

Emily has finally given up chasing after me and is now trying to be a good friend to me. Maybe she changed her mind when she saw how I collapsed crying when I looked at the pictures of the last class trip. We got them with a lot of delay because the classmate who took the pictures was sick for a long time. They were pictures where Zhan and I held each other in our arms when I kissed him on the cheek or were photographed hand in hand with him as we walked on the beach.

Memories of a time when we were happy. Where he was still with me, by my side. It hurt so much to see those pictures from that long forgotten time and to be reminded how happy I was to have my best friend around me every day.

I looked at these pictures and I could not hold on to myself anymore. I ran out of the classroom, down to the basement and collapsed crying bitterly. That was two months ago and Emily said she understood now why I turned her away and was always so cool to her. I regretted taking advantage of her to hide my true feelings. I'm smarter now, but it felt right then. God, I already talk as if years have passed.

My heart is burning with longing for Zhan and I dream about him every night. I can't even remember the last time I had a dream where he wasn't in it.

I'll be 17 in a month. Will Zhan come here for this? I don't believe it, but maybe he'll call me? Or write me a card? I hope that something comes from him, but probably none of this will happen. If only I knew where he was, I would write to him and ask him to call me at least once in a while.

Meanwhile I try to hide my feelings from the others and pretend that I am doing well. Our parents were very worried and did not let me out of their sight. I don't want them to worry, so I cover up my actual feelings with a smile. Will they buy it?

At my part-time job, I met Seungyoun and Wooseok. They're both my age and they're a couple. They told me that in the beginning they also had difficulties with standing by themselves and that they hurt not only themselves but also people they loved. So I'm not the only one who behaved like a total fucking moron.

Yesterday I looked at pictures of Zhan and me starting school. It made me wonder when he and I had actually stopped sleeping in the same bed? I think it must have been around that time. We shared a room back then, just like a bed. The room which is mine had been our playroom. The memories of that seem so far away and they're slowly fading.

I rummaged through several photo albums and was amazed at the sheer mass of pictures of Zhan and me together, holding each other in our arms. I wish I could go back to that time and tell my younger self: "When you get older, stand by your feelings immediately. Don't make the same mistake I did and lose the most important person in your life." I'm sure my younger self would have known at once who I was talking about.

Today at work, a group of Korean students came into the café and I caught myself immediately looking for Zhan. As if there is only one Korean student group and they come to this café of all places.

Sometimes I find myself fantasizing. I imagine I'm working and Zhan happens to come into the café, he sees me and smiles at me. I would walk up to him, put my arms around him and kiss him. No matter who might be watching us. I imagine that later we would walk home hand in hand and he would not leave again.

Of course I know that these are nothing more than daydreams and wishes, but they are there. Just like the pain of realization when I finish work and once again not one wish is fulfilled. It is a real vicious circle from which I simply cannot escape.

So while Zhan tries to get rid of his feelings for me and tries to repress or forget the memories of us, I cling to both and hope Zhan won't give up on me. Where are you, Zhan? When are you coming home?