Please don't go! [YiZhan FF]✔️

-3- My feelings for him

-3- My feelings for him

I would have loved to run to Zhan and tell him that I didn't return the kiss last Saturday or just now. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Instead, I looked out the window, my heart was beating hard and painful in my chest, my pulse was racing and I was burning with jealousy inside when Chuyue suddenly embraced Zhan.

But what right did I have to be jealous? I couldn't even admit to myself that I not only loved Zhan as my best friend, but that I had romantic feelings for him.

When Zhan came back to class, I didn't dare look at him, I was too embarrassed that he had to look at another kiss from Emily and me, too embarrassed that I became jealous when I saw him and Chuyue. How did it all happen? When did my feelings for him change? I tried to find a moment in my memories and had to realize for myself that I had always loved him. But in this way, like now, I loved him for a few months.

He came out of the bathroom that he and I shared and only had a towel tied around his hips. Water was dripping from his fair skin and wet hair. I couldn't take my eyes off him and envied the drops of water that were on his skin and slowly running down. My heart was beating fast, my pulse was pounding and I was having thoughts that a best friend should not have. I imagined that I would lick the water drops on his throat and neck with my tongue, touch him with my hands and feel his skin under my fingers.

With these thoughts I had run into the bathroom at that time. I was aroused, very aroused and had to help myself. And while I was doing this, I kept the thought of touching Zhan, tasting his lips and even making love to him in my mind. I imagined myself kissing him, my hands sliding over his soft skin and then finally making love to him. These thoughts took me almost an hour in the bathroom.

I even dreamed that night of doing exactly what I was thinking so intensely about in the bathroom and was glad to have a new box of tissues on my bedside table. I don't know how many tissues I used that night, I just know that at some point I was so exhausted that I fell asleep without pulling my pajama pants back up. In the morning Zhan came into my room, lay down next to me and giggled, he asked me which girl I was thinking about and stopped me from sleeping. He pulled my pajama pants up and even emptied my wastebasket so my mother wouldn't see.

So if I think back to a time when all this started, that's probably when it happened. I had been so embarrassed that I forbade myself to think about Zhan and whenever I heard he went into the bathroom to shower, I closed my room door and waited until he was back in his room. My lust for him decreased again and I thought it was just a phase.

But now I know that it was not just a phase and more of a harbinger. Something to show me that the relationship between Zhan and me was about to change. In a completely different direction. A direction that neither he nor I could have ever anticipated.

Since we were little, we've made plans for our future together. Going to school together, coming into a class together, graduating together, going to the same university, working in the same company, living together and going on vacation together. And we imagined what it would be like to have girlfriends. They should be friends with each other and maybe we would do the same as our parents and move into a house, get married and raise our children together. We planned it all out.

It was the plans of two immature boys who couldn't see beyond their own noses and lived in their fantasy world. In a world where they would always be best friends and nothing and nobody could change that. And now reality gets in the way of those immature boys. And suddenly every thought that Zhan is not always with me is a painful and torturous thought. A thought that I can't bear. And yet, I don't have the courage to confess my feelings to Zhan and continue hiding in my relationship with Emily.

How dare I get jealous when I'm not even brave enough to tell Zhan how I really feel about him?

On Friday morning when the alarm clock rang, I was immediately awake. The sun was shining and I thought about how great it would be to go to the cinema with Zhan. In a hurry I freshened up in the bathroom and got dressed. I looked at Zhan's room door, it was still closed. He always got up half an hour after me, so I wasn't surprised.

I knocked on Zhan's door, entered the room and saw him lying in his bed. I sat down next to his bed and watched him for a moment before waking him carefully. I called his name softly and he slowly opened his eyes. I looked straight into his eyes and I could lose myself in them. But before this could happen, I got up and told Zhan to hurry if he still wanted breakfast.

There was only one kitchen in our house and it was run by Zhan's and my mother. They knew each other like Zhan and I did, all their lives and were lucky to find men who also knew each other for many years and were best friends. They bought this house together. Actually, this is a house for an extended family, but with a few handicrafts, this house has become a house for two families, with a common living room and kitchen.

Every morning we all sat around the table like one big family and ate breakfast. We discussed the day together and in the evening we sat there again and told each other everything that happened that day.

But in the last few weeks, Zhan hadn't been around the table and the seat next to me remained empty. It was not a nice feeling that the seat next to me remained empty. But last night Zhan had promised our parents that he would have breakfast in the morning. So I woke Zhan up to make sure that he would really sit next to me.

Zhan went into the bathroom and I went into the kitchen where I helped our mothers set the table. Their mood was clouded, and our fathers also looked rather sad. I wondered if something had happened, but I didn't ask. I was much too happy that the place next to me would not be free again. However, I should have known already then that something was wrong.

Because our breakfast this time had been huge, with all kinds of food that Zhan loved. When Zhan came to the kitchen, our parents looked sadly in his direction, he sat down on his chair, I sat down next to him and smiled happily and we started our breakfast.

Zhan and I even went to school together that morning. We didn't talk much because Emily was there too and talked non-stop, but I was glad that Zhan was with me. During the breaks Zhan came to me, he sat down at the table, we ate together and I felt more and more that something was wrong. A bad feeling came over me and I knew that something would happen. I would have liked best to cling to Zhan and hold him.

After school we went back home very slowly. I had the feeling that I had to walk more slowly in order to have more time with Zhan. Unfortunately, Emily was the disturbing factor here again. Zhan ran next to us with his eyes lowered, his hands clinging to the straps of his backpack. I didn't let Emily hold my hand this time, I didn't want to. I would have rather held Zhan's hand.

I brought Emily home, said hello to her parents and then went back to my house. When I got to the house, Zhan wasn't there. His mother said he left again because he had something to do. I went back to Emily, I promised her I would fix her bike. And this unpleasant feeling grew with every hour.

In the evening I hurried home, washed myself and changed into clean clothes, then I rode with my bicycle to the cinema and waited for Zhan. He arrived at the cinema a few minutes after me and we bought popcorn and a coke for us, then we watched the film, but I could hardly concentrate.