Please don't go! [YiZhan FF]✔️

-4- The end of the friendship

-4- The end of the friendship

When the film was over, we went outside and stopped for a while on the long stairs. It was the last presentation for the evening, the doors were locked, the illuminated sign was off. Only the street lights had been on. We stood there all alone, there was nobody around us to be seen at all.

I stood right next to Zhan at the railing, I took his hand and stood in front of him. He looked past me and I asked him what was going on and if he could finally tell me what had been going on the last few weeks. Zhan looked up into the sky, the stars were not visible, took a deep breath several times and then said, "I love you! I wanted to keep it to myself and hoped it would go away again, just like a cold. But unfortunately it stayed and in the end I had to accept it, just like the fact that this is one-sided. I did not choose to fall in love with you, but that is the way it is. I'm very sorry. But I think you understand that under these circumstances, we can no longer be friends."

Then he just ran away. I don't know how long I stood there and couldn't move, how long it took my brain to realize that my best friend feels the same for me as I do for him. When I finally understood it, I ran to the bike stand, I opened the bike lock and realized in horror that I had a flat tire on my rear wheel. I took my bicycle and tried to get home as fast as possible.

But my bicycle hindered me and stopped me more than anything else. When I finally got to the house, I threw my bike on the lawn, ran into the house and looked for Zhan. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him, to confess to him that it was not a one-sided feeling. I wanted to take him in my arms, kiss him and ask him to be my boyfriend.

I knocked on his door, but he did not answer. I knocked again and a strange echo arose behind the door. I tore open the door and stared into an empty room. Tears ran down my eyes, I ran through the house and called out for Zhan. But there was no answer. I looked in the yard, but he wasn't there. I ran to the driveway and only now did I see that our family car, which belongs to both our families, was not there.

Over and over again, I tried calling Zhan and our parents, but all their cell phones were off. Almost two hours later, our parents came home. Their eyes were swollen and Zhan's mother was crying violently. She handed me a letter and Zhan's MP3 player. I took both wordlessly and sat down in Zhan's empty room. I put the earphones in my ears, turned on the MP3 player and the song from last Saturday sounded.

I thought about the kiss of Zhan and me while listening to this song and cried heavily. With trembling hands I opened the letter and did not dare to read it at first. I was exhausted. I did not want to read a letter, I wanted to see Zhan and hear this from him.

" My dear Yibo,

the moment you have the letter in your hands, I'm on a plane. I'm on my way to a new adventure, on my way to a country that is strange to me. I use the holidays to change to a boarding school. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you this in person. But I feared you would stop me.

Now that I've revealed my feelings to you, I feel better. Unfortunately, I also know that you and I can no longer be friends. I couldn't live with you under the same roof and pretend that you were just my best friend.

I can't pretend that I don't care about you and Emily. Because it's killing me. I can't take this pain anymore. I can't pretend I don't care anymore. My heart hurts and I just want to cry.

I'm going to get some distance, I hope my feelings for you will go away, so that one day I can look at you again as just, like, my best friend.

In the meantime, I hope you'll be happy with Emily or find a girlfriend you'll be happier with. Don't be sad when I'm gone and throw yourself into your relationship, enjoy every moment you have with your girlfriend and don't worry about me, I will be fine.

Please don't ask our parents where I am, because even they don't know it. I keep my whereabouts secret because I don't want anyone to show up there. I'm afraid that if they do, I'll pack everything up and come running back home. That I'll never be able to get rid of my feelings for you.

For a moment I hoped that my feelings would be returned by you. Just for a short moment, I felt like I was in seventh heaven. The moment you kissed me. But I should have realized that this was not a kiss from a loving one, perhaps more out of pity? On a whim? In the end, it doesn't matter. Because just a minute later, you kissed Emily, and that's when I decided I had to go.

Because it broke my heart to see this. I know that I can never be as close to you as she is, and I know that I can't bear to see you together. That's why I have to go. I have to kill my feelings for you, lock away my memories and stop thinking about you.

Still, I'm grateful for that kiss. Because at least for a moment I could feel what it felt like to be kissed by you. I envy Emily and her happiness.

It's about time, I'll meet you at the cinema and afterwards I will confess my feelings to you. Don't be too shocked and try to remember me fondly. For 16 years we were inseparable, side by side. And now it's time for another adventure.

Love, Zhan"

I read the letter again and again and I can't stop crying. Where did you disappear to? Why didn't you let me answer? Will you come back? Will we meet again? I'm sorry that I hurt you so much Zhan, no matter where you are now, I hope you don't like it there and that you will come back to me quickly, where you belong. To me, by my side. I love you Zhan and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this before, that I was too scared to admit it to myself. I love you Xiao Zhan, please come back to me.

All night long I lay on the cold floor in Zhan's empty room, crying. In the morning at breakfast, I stared at Zhan's chair. I got angry because he just disappeared and left me behind because he would no longer sit next to me, on this chair, by my side.

With tears in my eyes I grabbed the chair and carried it to the garage. I put it down, but it tipped to the side because I put it on something. I wanted to put the chair back up. But what for?I was so angry, then I kicked the chair and screamed, I threw a box from the shelf, on which stood "Memories YiZhan". I spread the contents all over the garage and screamed as loud as I could. Then I saw the tool that Zhan and I used to build the wooden platform in the yard.

Angrily I grabbed my father's axe, went outside and destroyed the platform. I struck with the axe as often as I could until all the wood was crushed. Then I dropped the axe, sank to my knees and wept bitterly. My anger was blown out and my love, my grief and my longing remained behind.

Our parents came outside and Zhan's mother took me in her arms, we both cried long and loud. I felt so weak and helpless. I found no words, only pain. And when Emily knocked on the yard door and called out for me, my father went to the door. Emily stared at me and the destroyed platform, she wanted to come to the yard, but my father didn't let her. "It's better you leave now." He said and closed the door. All of a sudden it went black all around me and I still felt myself sinking to the ground.