Played like a Guitar

Chapter 8 : The Void

"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before." - John Green

***

Emptiness. Nothing but pure emptiness - that's what the following weeks felt like. The first night was the worst, as I never felt so alone in my life, crying my heart out in the pillow. I did have Athena, but I knew deep down it was impossible for us to continue our relationship.

First of all, she didn't deserve to date a cheating scumbag. Secondly, I couldn't look her in the eyes without feeling guilt, so things would never be the same again for us. Lastly and foremost, it wasn't true love, the one I felt last night with the wrong person, the one I wanted so badly but was taken away from me before I could even get a taste.

The world transformed into shades of grey and blue as feelings of indifference and melancholy prevailed. The same little things that once brightened up my day, now seemed so irrelevant. I would spend most of it staring aimlessly at the ceiling, as if it would reveal answers to my burning questions. My father noticed my psychological absence so I explained to him how I had a fight with a close friend of mine (since he was unaware of my past relationships) and asked him to give me some space to process it on my own. I couldn't possibly mention Jamie and Athena as revealing my sexuality to him was the last thing I needed, especially since he wasn't exactly the most open-minded person. I believe his words during pride month were: "They should all be burned to the ground!". If so, then with a raging flame I shall go out.

Forcing myself to attend classes was unsuccessful, unable to focus for more than five minutes without wondering off somewhere far away where the world was simpler, happier. I stopped calling my mother and texting my friends, my appetite went downhill and my skin looked disturbingly pale and tired. He really did a number on me. The beach moment haunted me in my nightmares, his two soul-penetrating eyes judging me from the murky depths, waking me up at night, dripping in sweat and tears. Did he look at her the same way? Did she fall for his empty words like I did? Bottles of red wine or sleeping pills got me through the lonely nights, otherwise I couldn't possibly get any rest.

My tired mind kept replaying the surreal scenes from that night, imagining an alternate ending where he accepts the kiss and spends the rest of it laying next to me until the red sunrise emerged. Still, he would have left anyways, but on much better terms with me. Who knows, maybe I would be even more miserable now had we hooked up, having experienced the peak of my life only for it to be followed by an instant downfall.

Following her altruistic and caring nature, Athena offered help dozens of times via text but I switched off my phone, shutting myself in the dark and stuffy cave that was my bedroom. From her perspective, our relationship was stable until the concert, after which my personality supposedly turned from fun and romantic to depressed and uninterested in the blink of an eye. She must be reevaluating everything, trying to pinpoint what exactly happened in the meantime. I even steered clear of the area where her campus was located, avoiding the inescapable argument between us that was brewing for the past week. Does it really count as cheating, though? Technically, nothing happened between Jamie and I. "It's the thought that counts, you selfish dimwit." - the voice emphasized. Maybe for once I should stop denouncing the truth and accept the consequences of my own actions. Regardless of my egotistical nature, they arrived when I was coming back from my afternoon classes, only to find Athena sitting in front of my apartment building.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to reach you all week." - she complained before I could even greet her.

"Sorry, my phone was off, I had this um...group project I've been working on for a while now. It's been a rough week." - I lied, unable to maintain eye contact.