Played like a Guitar

Chapter 17 : I Love You

"It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight." - Vladimir Nabokov

Chapter painting: "The Stargazers" by Kirsten Bailey (characters irrelevant to those represented in painting).

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Ever since a young age, I felt incapable of being loved. Having been bullied throughout middle school for my looks and personality, my self-esteem perished and every attempt at showing affection towards others felt infeasible and fruitless. As the years progressed, dates and kisses became less of a taboo, but I was still unable to find someone compatible.

I kept reminding myself that it was better to wait for the right one, than to be in a relationship for the sake of bragging to others, or to merely feel accomplished. Time escalated quickly but my situation remained the same. How will my first kiss be? Was I going to die a virgin? Was I going to become one of those people who buy dozens of cats to feel less lonely? So many questions almost everyone asks themselves at one point in their life, but mainly, what did others have that I didn't? The answer appeared so crystal clear now.

Of course, your first kiss, dates and sex may be awkward, but it doesn't matter when it happens. Those who experience it first are no better than those who do later, as long as it was an important moment you learned something from, good or bad. Plus, virginity is overrated. I lost mine with a girl when I was sixteen and it resembled nothing to what I'd seen online. We had to experiment with our bodies and see what pleasured us. An important lesson I've learned was not to regret any of it since I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Then Brian happened in Manchester, an expected ending but enjoyable nonetheless, then the whole drama with Athena, which flopped completely. He made me realize long distance was impossible whereas she helped me explore my hidden interests and experience new sensations. Still, they were all temporary parts of my life. I knew from the beginning that they wouldn't last forever, a gut feeling that was difficult to explain. Like I always said, either you clique or you don't.

Then this man came into my life out of nowhere. If it weren't for Elektra's determination and persistence to pull me away from my working desk, we never would have met. As horrible as that reality sounds right now, it was a matter of circumstances, a chain of events. If the slightest thing changed, everything would've been completely different. If I stayed in England, if I didn't meet Elektra, if I didn't leave my house that day, everything mattered! Maybe Athena and I would've both transferred here, maybe I would have stayed in Thess with her, or perhaps another Jamie-like candidate would have popped out eventually. Endless possibilities, yet the one I got in this multiverse was almost ideal. Sure, one less Valentina would've made it better, but beggars can't be choosy.

His appearance, energy, looks, voice, talents, all perfectly molded into one human being. There was no questioning it, it was love from the very beginning. I could picture us spending time together, sticking through thick and thin, having something special going on between us. But it changed when he rejected the kiss, shattering all my beliefs that true love and soulmates existed.

Yes, we've been together physically for roughly three days, but it was an emotional roller coaster with highs, lows, and long periods in between, during which he was on my mind first thing in the morning and right before I drifted off to sleep. And on this day, after more than two years of continuous self-reflection and doubt, I can finally safely say that he felt the same way towards me.

It was never a matter of me missing something, but rather finding the person who would appreciate and cherish everything I had, all my strengths, flaws, and imperfections. There he was, standing mere centimeters away, confessing his love for me after all this time. Did he regret not admitting it that night three years ago, or did he realize it afterwards, or perhaps even today? Many things were left unexplained, but at the moment they seemed trivial. We both felt love, cursed and praised for it's cunning ability to blind all those who experience it.