Survival guide to love: Louis x reader

Stronger than the memories

⚠️Huge huge huge trigger warning!! This story contains self harm and the aftermath and thoughts of this horrible time in someone's life.
Please please please consider skipping this one if you are unstable with this topic. In no way am I trying to trigger anyone and I do seriously take writing about topics like this into consideration but I feel like this topic should be talked about more because of the stigma around it! If you are ever in a conflict with yourself and you need help. Please reach out to someone anyone. I know it can be difficult but you will appreciate yourself later for saving a life.
~~~~~
"Bubba you in here? We gotta leave soon otherwise we will miss our reservation!" There was a silence "Muffin you okay in there?" Still no response.
Louis knocked on the door again but I didn't answer back.
I watched as the blood slowly dripped down my arms and I knew as soon as I saw the red contents that I had messed up. I was so happy... so fucking happy and now look at me... back to square one. I silently sobbed as the memories started to burn. Even the old ones which lay dormant next to the new open ones burned. Not even in physical pain, just from the stupid mental pain. I wiped my eyes with my fingers and slipped down to the floor.
There came more violent knocking on the other side of the door.
"Y/n! Open the door! Are you alright?" I just looked at the door and turned away from it.
"Y/n! Please! Let me know you're okay!! Please!" I could hear his voice breaking. I could tell he was as sad as I was.
"Baby! Open the door! Open the door! Please baby! Don't shut me out!" He continued to slam on the door as I continued to cry. I heard a major crash and looked over to see the door on the floor and Louis standing in the door way with tears in his eyes.
"No no no no baby." He kneeled down quickly and grabbed my arms. He saw the blood and the cuts. He frantically grabbed a towel and put it on my arms.
"Did you cut anywhere else?"
I didn't respond. In fact I had never responded in this whole mess.
"Y/n l/n! Did you cut anywhere else?"
I shook my head and Louis sighed and rested his head on the towel that enveloped my wounded arms.
"I-I'm sorry louis. I didn't mean to hurt you." I sobbed.
He shot his head up and looked at me.
"Are you crazy? This isn't your fault." He cooed.
"Yes it is."
"No baby. It's not."
"YES IT IS!!" I sobbed harder.
"Y/n l/n you look me in the damn eyes right now and open your ears." I looked at him "you don't ever blame yourself for this, do you hear me? This is not your fault! You are not responsible for this! This is not being an attention seeker, this is not a conscious thing. You are not in the right head space. You're not doing it to be a brat or ruin anyone's life. You're struggling internally with a lot and you are not alone.  Do you understand me?"
I nodded at him and he cradled me.
"We need to take you to a hospital. I can't treat these. You need help."
"No! No I don't want to go back to the mental hospital! Please don't send me back."
"Baby, I have to. I'm not a therapist or a psychologist! I don't know how to help you! They do. And you just didn't get it the first time. When you go back something might click in your head! Muffin, I know you don't want to go, but you have to. Please, for me."
I just nodded accepting defeat and he helped me stand.

While in the car Louis looked at me and sighed.
"I just want you to know a couple things."
"Sure. What is it?"
"One, you're so much stronger than you know. You are amazing. You're like the hulk. You have so much potential and chance to be absolutely powerful. Two, this... this pain? It doesn't last forever. You have bad days, some super bad days, but then you have good days, really good days, and you know that because even between this memory and your past memory you've had really good days. Days like that will come back. Three, and this is the most important one of all, I love you no matter what. Your memories don't define you. It's just a part of you. You don't have to revolve your life around your memories. And I don't revolve my love around your memories."
"Why do you call them that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you call my cuts and my relapses memories?"
"Well that's what they are. They are memories. Yes while they hold a great impact in your life, they are like everything else in your life. Parts of you, things that change you, things you learn from, memories. And you know what the beautiful thing about memories are?"
"What?"
"You can remember them differently. They aren't forever set in stone as good or bad."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, let's say you remember getting ice cream as a child and you get it in your hair. When you eat ice cream you may remember that and laugh... a good memory but when you get a haircut and remember the hair you got ice cream in it may pain your heart and make you sad... a bad memory. It's the same memory just remembered differently. That's how I think you should look at these memories. Some days you look at them and think it was the worst mistake of your life but sometimes I want you to think about it and smile because they show you how much you've grown and how strong you are for living through it and knowing that if you can do it the first time, you can do it again."
I smiled and looked at him.
"I love that."
"I'm glad. And I mean what I said. My love isn't dictated by your memories."
We pulled up to the ER and checked me in.
"I love you, Muffin. I truly mean it. I'll check up on you when I can. I'll be here. If you ever feel like you need me let the doctors know."
I nodded and walked in.
After the ER I was sent to the mental hospital again. It was hard to see it but I know I would come out stronger than ever.
I looked at the cuts that were starting to scar.
I was stronger than this. These cuts don't burn anymore and they won't get to me because I am stronger.