Love in the Time of Corona

20

I'm never good at apologies. I am fully aware that even if I can call myself normal, I don't have the ability to talk. Even if I disagree with something, I'll be quiet and either nod or keep my silence. And yes, despite the fact that I love observing and reading people based on their actions, if I'll be completely honest, I will say that I never had the ability to understand whatever it means.

Like I've said, I'm not really a social person. I prefer and I'm better when I'm by myself. I sound pretty boring and somehow, I'm contented about it. I lost almost all of my friends when I chose to embrace who I really am, the 'trying-hard-to-be-responsible' one, as they call it. I admit, I have a lot of moments that I'll never be proud of. One thing I'm proud of is that I acknowledge every bad move that I do. Even the littlest mistake that I've commit, I put on a lot of effort to make up for it. However, like any other human being, I cannot do anything for some faults that only others might know of. I ain't no fortune-teller. I wouldn't know what feelings or thoughts runs through other else's minds besides mine.

If it was just some kid in school that I never really cared for, I'd let it pass... but Kio's not just some kid. He's my brother, my savior and my confidante. I won't let my social inability get between us... and somehow, even if I'm clueless of his situation, there's this gut feeling that makes me want to apologize.

As soon as he exited the kitchen, I asked Mom and Dad to keep the guests entertained and told them that I will just settle things with Kio. They respectfully permitted me surprisingly, no questions asked.

When I finally got to Kio's door, I felt my phone vibrate.

Please give me some moments, sis. I'll talk to you when I'm ready. Pretty sure that no one will ask but just tell them I'm not feeling good xx

It was from Kio. It's very unusual of him to be like this, and in times like this, I just don't know what to do. I was contemplating if I'd knock on his door or go straight in. I was walking back and forth and for some unfortunate reasons, the person that I least liked to be near to is just inches away from me. I was about to turn towards the direction of my room but then...

"Hey." He acknowledged my presence.

"HI. What are you doing back here?" I jumpily greeted back.

"I used the bathroom." He pointed the door behind him. Suddenly, he lowered his head and stared directly in my eyes. "Are you okay?" He seemed really sincere and the guilt inside me just tripled, knowing that even if I've wronged him, he's pretty much the same... still very kind and caring.

"Why would I not be?" I lied. I'm not good at it, but it makes thing easier.

"You know you're only fooling yourself, right?" He casually joked.

"Woah. What happened to the guy who seemed to be more than willing to slit my throat earlier?" I backfired, but I'm not mad. I made sure that my tone sounds friendly, even if what I said is very direct.

He chuckled. "Look, I'm sorry about that. I guess I'm just mad about... you know." I nodded vigorously.

"I owe you an explanation, Caden... but you see, now's not the time." I cleared my throat and lowered my head. "And you know what? we should go back." Before things get more awkward, I pushed him towards the dining room.

They were about to start eating up when we arrived.

"What took you two, so long?" Dad asked. I coughed and he just laughed.

"Kio's not feeling sick. He said he'll rest for a while." I lied, since no one here really knows.

"We better start eating. The food's getting cold." Mom said.

And so we sat down and started eating.

---

If there's a time that I would want Kio to be around, it's at this time. Nothing will be as awkward when your ex is seated beside you and your childhood best friend's just across you and smiling.

I tried to conceal how I'm feeling and focused into my food. Contrary to what my Mom said, the food is flaming hot. As soon as it touched the insides of my mouth, I almost wanted to spit it all out but in my case, of course, I can't do that. I continued eating anyway, I smiled through the pain of my slightly burnt tongue.

I was silently eating when suddenly, I saw a glass of water in front of me. It looked like it came from my right side, which is, you know who.

"Thanks." I muttered. I took the glass and drank carefully.

I assume that the other people in this table will definitely notice Caden's act of kindness but I let them be. They can think whatever they want. I'll just enjoy my food and think of ways I can make it up to Kio.

--

Moments after the brunch, we were all seated in the living room. Dad and Damon were talking about the thing that they're constructing while Mom is setting me up with Caden. I'm just there. Seated, saying nothing... not because I don't want to, but I just have nothing in my mind except Kio.

As they were all chattering, Damon's phone suddenly rung. He picked up the call and expressed his gratitude to Mom and Dad. Just before he was about to go, he went towards me and gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Vous me dites ce qui se passe entre vous deux, non?" ("You'll tell me what's going on between you two, right?") He asked. I owe him a lot of stories too, I guess.

"Oui monsieur." He eventually left. Dad accompanied him on his way out as he was about to pick up some things at work.

"Drive safely, Dad. I love you." I shouted as he walked out.

That leaves me with Mom and Caden. Spell awkward? N-O-W.

"Well, I guess, I should leave you two."

Silence filled in for most of the time.

"So..." He started, but I know I can't give him the answers he deserved if I'm in this state of mind.

"Hey, uhm, look. I know I owe you a lot of answers and... explanations... but if I'm being real here, I just can't right now." I honestly spilled my thoughts to him, cause I know he's not the 'judge-y' one.

"I know. Now's not a good time either." He paused, looking like he's battling with himself if he should continue.

"I... I'm not making up anything, Cade... but let me assure you that I'm being truthful to you." I thought of it. I never lied to him, especially when we were still dating... I just never told him everything.

"I know. I can read you like an open book, anyway. There's no point in hiding things from me, Krystal." It almost felt like a double-edged sword for me, but I know it's probably just in my head.

"Thank you... and I'm so sorry. I never meant to..." I looked into his eyes to let him know how genuinely grateful and apologetic I am.

He pulled me into a side hug, "You know how much you mean to me, right?"

I suddenly felt uneasy. He might get the wrong idea. I'm not trying to get back with him. It's the last thing I would want to think about as of the moment. I have my family problems, Kio and his untold feelings, my due requirements, that one bothersome disease I heard from the news, and things that I don't know of, YET.

Fortunately, he can really understand me through the small facial gestures and expressions I have.

"I'm not trying to be with you either, Krystal." He giggled as he realized how embarrassed I am. "May I remind you that we ARE best friends even before everything went down."

He is, INDEED, my best friend... and I hope I can really confide in him.