Love in the Time of Corona

21

The whole afternoon was a blur. I never really expected that Caden would forgive me easily like he did. It almost felt too good to be true, but who am I to judge? I should be happy that he already moved on... but why does it seem so hard for me to do so?

As for Kio, he never left his room. I'm really itching to rush inside his room and get it over with. Of all people, I can never be relieved when I know he's not okay with something I did or said. That's literally how he meant to me.

"... Krystal? Are you okay?" I didn't realize that I totally spaced out. I assume that Caden was filling me up with the all the tea that I missed when I was gone. Not that I'm being ungrateful, I mean, I really appreciate it that he's doing that, but I just can't make myself focus.

"Yeah. I am." I smiled curtly. He only gave me a dubious look. I forgot that he can see right through me.

"You know you can tell me things, right?" I nodded hesitantly. It might seem fine to him but for me, it's not. He forgave me, yes, but I haven't forgiven myself yet.

"Forget that. You're probably doubting me." He was about to stand up and leave the room. I shut my eyes tightly. I can't deal with things simultaneously. This is bad. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I might not find my way back.

"MOM, WE'RE HEADING SOMEWHERE. BE BACK SOON." I shouted from the living room. I hope she heard me.

"GULDA!" (Behave!) She screamed back. I rolled my eyes. Why would I not behave?

Caden stopped on his tracks and looked back at me, clueless. I signaled him to go walk towards the door and somehow, I think he caught up. I sighed. I feel so exhausted with all my relationship. My separated-but-not-divorced parents, my currently-in-a-bad-place brother, my very-forgiving-but-gossipy ex-slash-best-friend, and basically everyone. It makes me question if I made the right choice in going back. I felt like I should've stayed back in Mom's place. 

 As soon as we reached a very private place, specifically the small cafe four blocks away from my home, I tried to have a grasp on what's happening. I close my eyes shut. I heavily breathed. No, not now. 

"Krystal, what's going on?" Caden asked worriedly. Instead of responding, I held his hand hard and unintentionally, I can feel like I'm crushing it too hard. I can see him wince in pain but eventually, he got out of my grasp. I looked at him, with tears in my eyes.

"Sh*t. Don't cry. Wait. I'll get you a glass of water." I can't really comprehend anything he's saying. I can feel my hand cramping and my throat's closing up. I tried silencing my sobs. I wiped the tears going down my cheeks with my curled up hand. I tried fighting it... but I can't even unfold my hand. I'm such a mess.

When he got back, he gently dropped the glass and sat beside me. He rested my head on his shoulder. I was still heavy breathing. My fists are still cramped up. I'm still crying.

"Shh, it's alright. I'm here. Calm down..." His soft, soothing voice felt really comforting but I can't make my mind to stop panicking. With everything going on, I can't calm myself down. I can see the people's quick glances towards our direction but I can't give a damn at the moment. Everything just feels so heavy.

   

Finally, my chest pains were gone. My hands loosened. I can finally breathe normally. I got my head up from his shoulders and fixed myself. He handed out a periwinkle handkerchief. I took it gratefully. I wiped my eyes gently. I can't let it turn red. My family can't know about this.

"Thanks for keeping up with me." I hoarsely said. I drank from the glass he brought. "Can we keep this to ourselves?"

"Of course. Nothing happened." He said respectfully. "Why did you bring me here anyway?"

I was hesitant to tell him but I've thought, what's the point of hiding it when it's true? He'll know it, anyway. Even if he's quizzically nice and I do doubt him still, I owe him truths... everything.

"You said I can tell you anything." I started.

"Only if you're comfortable with it. I'm not pressuring you or something." He clarified.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, you're not, but I am."

"What do you mean by that?" He asked.

"I am doubting your actions, yes, 'cause if I were you, I wouldn't understand... and I'm very thankful that you're still treating me right despite everything I've done." I held his hand. "And if I'm gonna try and make up for the pain that I've caused you, I'll have to tell you everything." I bit my lip, trying my best not to cry.

"You're scaring me, Krystal. What's the matter?"

"I'm a mess, okay? I'll do everything to make this as clear as possible." I cleared the lump in my throat. "I guess the story begins with a little girl who just hoped nothing changed."