Destiel OS

Can you hold me? (Englisch!)

I guess this one is going to be kind of sad, so, consider this a warning. It's all in English, I just felt like it. Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Dad's death should have shown me that. He sacrificed himself just to save me. And I felt guilty as hell about it. But I eventually learned to deal with both of these bone-crashing aches. I did not expect there to be something which I could not handle anymore. I was wrong.

I pushed down the accelerator. I didn't see where I was driving, neither I paid any attention to possible signs at the street. Tears made my vision go blurry and I couldn't breathe. This one, ridiculously naive and childish part of me still hoped that I would wake up any moment, sweaty and screaming. That it would all turn out to be one horribly realistic nightmare. The other part of me, the one that knew that it was not, was the one screaming.

I had to get away from here, fast. Just straight on, without any thoughts, without any pictures circling inside my head. Then it would stop. Eventually, it would stop hurting so bad.

So I drove. After a few hours the sun came up and I was still racing with a suicidal speed down an empty highway.I had no clue where I was even heading for. I wanted to get away. Wherever I was going, I didn't care.

Eventually I stopped. The tears went dry a long time ago. As I was standing, my eyes closed. A short, not unrestful sleep from which I woke up screaming after a few hours without knowing what I dreamed of. Surrounded from a certain, undefined numbness I started the engine again.

Around the afternoon I stopped for gas, for which I didn't pay. I simply didn't care. I didn't pay attention to the traffic around me either. If I would end up in an accident now, I couldn't care less.

I hadn't known my surroundings for most of the time. Round about three and a half day I had been on the road until I finally pulled my car on the parking lot of an ordinary town house. Just now I recognized where my subconsciousness had led me.

It was the last residence I knew from my old high school love, Castiel. He was the only one I ever truly had feelings for. Had? Suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore if that chapter really belonged to the past. But when I was here already... what had I left to lose anyways?

Probably looking as if I was in some kind of trance, I got out of the car and walked to the front door.When I pressed the button, I could hear the old, sharp bell ring through the door. Shortly after that I could hear something rumbling inside the house and see an unsure figure through the darkened glass of the door.

Then, with a creaky sound, it opened.

„Hello, Cas."

With a small smile I looked into the deep blue eyes of the young man standing in front of me.

„Dean, what are you doing here?", he asked, honestly surprised. Pure confusion was written all over his face.

I couldn't blame him though, because since my Dad had found a new job far away from the town we used to live in, he hadn't heard a word from me. Hell, I had known I was a coward. Still I hadn't been able to say goodbye to him.To be honest, I was kind of surprised that he was able to recognize me at all. Or that he didn't slam the door shut right into my face.

„What happened to you anyways? You look like you haven't been sleeping for a whole month!"

Sorrow took the place of the confusion. Damn, I knew why I had fallen in love with him so many years ago. Castiel was too good, too pure for this brutal and dark world.

„Cas, I- I think I might need some help."

Something inside of me bursted into pieces.

„Sam, he- he's...",my voice cracked. Castiel's eyes widened the moment he understood. Silently he went out of the doorway, inviting me in. And just when I had entered his house, his strong, warm arms were wrapped around me.

I let it happen.