̶U̶n̶ Scathed

ugh

Umm- I'll just come right out with it I guess

Two days ago, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital with cancer issues. My mom left to visit him, and she was able to stay for an hour before she had to leave because of the coronavirus 1-visitor policy. A day later, she had to call and say goodbye on the phone, again because of the coronavirus regulations. He died twenty minutes later.

There will be no funeral. We will not get any closure. We arent even allowed to receive his ashes until after the virus is cured.

And the cherry on the cake: The one year anniversary of my grandmothers death (also on my mother's side) passed just this weekend.

Okay, aside from the medical talk.

With this stupid freaking virus, everything feels fake. If someone told me a few months ago that all of this quarantine crap would be happening, I wouldn't believe them. It feels like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and it's all going to be a bad dream.

But I also know it isn't. I know that he is dead, but it feels like nothings wrong. All I can feel is a floating notion of terrible sadness, and I'm just so, so incredibly tired.

Of course, I started writing. But after I wrote a hundred words, I dropped my headphones on the floor when I was trying to reach a tissue, and I started sobbing uncontrollably and realized that the writing thing wouldn't work out.

I'm just so exhausted and tired and everything feels so shitty all the time, I just want to die-

I'm sorry- I know I said that this would be short, but I cant talk to anyone about it at all. My friends are too awkward to talk about anything involving death. My mom is a nurse and is constantly needed at the hospital. My dad works from home and is busy all the time. I guess I posted this partly because I wanted to tell someone what happened.

Anyways, I'm rambling. I can't focus enough to write really well, and I'll probably just project onto the characters anyway, so the updates will probably be slow. I'll try to post the pre-written parts, but they need editing and I need to cross reference them with the plot diagram to make sure everything checks out and I need to update the tags and all I want to do is curl up in my closet and die.

Whatever. If you just skipped to the end to vote or comment: heres a summary:

Updates will be slow

Well, stay safe, wear masks, and social distance! hopefully your having a better weekend than I am.