LIBEROSIS ✓ ʸᵒᵒⁿʲⁱⁿ

epilogue : liberosis

DISCLAIMER:

The events narrated in this chapter happened at the same time as Chapter Nine's did (entitled 'pretend').

ווווו×

Blank, white paper glares accusingly at Seokjin from his desk, the perfectly straight blue lines demanding that the spaces in between them be filled with words.

But Kim Seokjin could only stare sadly back at it all.

"Just one letter," he tells himself. Just one damned letter.

A letter he'll never give to him.

It doesn't matter, Seokjin tries to convince himself. It'll help. Just write it.

He has to write it, because he can't say it. He has to write it, because no one will ever listen to him even if he does say it.

Inhaling sharply to keep the constant tears at bay, where they belong, he bends his head down and starts scribbling his heart out on a piece of paper that he swears to himself will never be in Min Yoongi's hands.

ווווו×

Time loses its importance. Whenever it is that Seokjin finishes, he doesn't know, and he doesn't care. He straightens the paper out and reads it silently, from top to bottom:

Dearest Yoongi,

Words will never be enough to begin to describe how sorry I am. For what I did that night. For ignoring you. For driving a wedge between us. For being in your life, and I really wish I wasn't. For everything.

I do not deserve you. I don't truly have you, but I still don't deserve you. You do not deserve to have someone as horrible as me in your life. You are an angel who was unfairly put into this cruel world for whatever stupid reason, Min Yoongi. Let no one tell you otherwise.

You'll never get to read this. I know that. And I also know that I can't let you read this. It will do you absolutely no good. See, even writing this letter is proof that I'm selfish, because I want to keep it to myself. You don't deserve me, and I don't deserve you; in that other, sadder way.

Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't entirely drunk that night. Maybe, just maybe, I knew what I was doing. But I'm certain that I know what I'm doing right now, and I'm certain that I like you.

Ridiculous, isn't it? Laughable, foolish - call it whatever you want to. I like you, and yet all I do is hurt you. I'm so terrible. I hate myself so, so much; you have no idea, of course, and I'm going to keep it that way.

However, the thing is that you need to hate me a little less than I hate myself. You could never hate me as much as I hate myself, but just a little less would be enough. It would have to be.

I wish I could be better for you, because that's what you deserve - no, you deserve better than better. You deserve the best of the best. You deserve all the happiness and love in the universe, but I know I can never give you that. I'm too pathetic for someone as beautiful, inside and out, as you.

I do not know how to be better. All I've ever been is me. Me, Kim Seokjin: unworthy of any love, any happiness, unworthy of anything and anyone to care for him. But don't worry, I've long since accepted that.