Pinky Swear, Allyship (Completed)

CHAPTER 35

If I could only turn back time where I was already good at the hospital and I am contented with the job I have there, I know this thing wouldn't happen. I can't even feel myself, I can't even hold and see myself because all I can see and remember is my face when Gael and I do that thing. Though, I should be glad that I didn't beg for more, glad that my body didn't beg for something I know I would regret of doing. 

Kung papaanong ang sakit noong nakaraan ay nabahiran ng isang masamang gawain na hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa babawiin. 

Hindi ko alam kung papaanong naiilakad ko ang sarili ko patungo sa kanila, hawak ang gown ko at ang tanging suot ko lang ay ang damit na ibinigay sa akin ni Gael. I can't even name the exact feeling I have, because my eyes are already swollen because of tears that never stopped from falling since last night. 

I saw Jazmine and Francine running towards my direction as they saw me. Hindi pa lamang ay naghuhurumintado nanaman ang puso ko at ang mga mata kong hindi naman tumitigil sa pag iyak. 

"Bella," both of the exclaimed. Napaupo na lang ako sa harap nila yakap yakap ang mga tuhod ko. 

"It's okay. We're here." Francine brushed my hair as she helps me to stand supporting me with her hands, as well as Jaz. 

"H'wag na tayo doon dumiretso, Gael's still there." Parang nagpantig ang tainga ko sa sinabing iyon ni Jaz. Akala ko ay umalis na siya matapos akong iwan sa kwarto. My sobs became more heavy. 

I feel so shy for myself. Nakakahiyang hindi ko man lamang napigilan ang sarili ko kagabi. 

"What happened?" iyon pa lamang ay hindi nanaman nagkakakandatuto ang sarili kong mata. Francine asked me, as she crossed her hand on her chest with her raised brows. We reached our room, ng hindi dumadaan sa hall kung nasaan sila. 

"H'wag mo ngang sigawan," Jaz advises Frans as she brush my hair smoothly, helping me calm. 

"Eh paano? Bella? Anong plano mo?" she asked with her raised voice but trying her best no to. 

"H-hindi ko alam," I can almost hear my sobs echoing in the whole room. 

"Paano kapag may nabuo dyan? Paano kapag may batang, tangina!" She shouts with frustration. 

"What the hell, Francine?" iritado kong sabi sa kanya. "Wala! Walang ganun, walang nangyari!" I shouted back and messed my hair in frustration. 

"Wala naman pala e, ang OA mo kasi. Hindi ka nagtatanong!" si Jaz.

"Gago ka, kinabahan ako." She holds her chest and sat beside me. "E paano naman kai yung iyak mo akala mo may mabubuo kayo at ikaw lang magtataguyod mag-isa." She rolled her eyes. For meantime, I can feel myself calm because of our conversation. I really should not feel like this. 

"Okay na ba kayo ni Gael?" bigla ay naging seryoso ang tanong iyon ni Francine. 

"Hindi ko alam. May be, we really don't have second chance. Siguro nga ay ako na lang ang naghahangad na magkakaroon pa kami, dahil para sa kanya wala na. Tapos na." My chest tightened as I say those words. I wanted to keep consoling and pushing myself to do a move to talk about our relationship but I don't see any reasons to continue it. Lalo pa at ganoon ang sinabi niya sa akin kanina. 

"Then tama na. Give yourself a break," si Jaz. 

"I already gave myself a break for 8 years, Jaz. I can't waste another year for this." 

"Mag-usap muna kayo ng masinsinan, tsaka kapag nakapag-usap na kayo, doon mo malalaman kung ano nga ba dapat mong gawin." Si Francine. 

Eh hindi ko nga alam kung ano pang mukhang ihaharap ko sa kanya. Nahihiya ako sa kanya at mas lalong nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Ngunit kung tutuusin nga ay hindi dapat ganito ang inaasal ko dahil siya dapat ang nakakaramdaman nito.