Pinky Swear, Allyship (Completed)

CHAPTER 36

Wala na nga sigurong mas hihirap pa sa pagbangon sa umaga ng may dinadala kang masamang pakiramdam. Iyong pakiramdam na para bang ang pagbangon ay isang kasalanan at ang pagpapatuloy ay wala na ring saysay. 

I find it too ironic, and it makes me laugh on myself, to see and think that I was the who is begging for him to come back though I was the one who pushed him away from me. Ako nagpalayo subalit ako rin ang naghahangad na lumapit siya sa akin. 

It is such a hefty thought for me to think and reminisce what happened last night. Wala naman siyang sinabi, ngunit bakit parang mas masakit? Mas masakit na hindi niya ako masagot at mas mahirap na hindi ako nakakuha ng kasagutan. 

As much as I wanted to control myself for bringing those things up, I can’t help it. I just don’t want to regret again for not opening that up, because there are things that will be late for us to talk. I am already late for this, but if waiting in another season for him to go back, then I am willing. 

May be there are really two reason why we didn’t opened what happened before, the first time we saw each other is because first; may be it doesn’t really mean anything to us and second; it means everything for the both of us. And both of us are afraid that we will just end up hurting ourselves again. 

Subalit hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay kayang matakasan ang ganitong bagay. Minsan ay mas magandang harapin ito kahit masaktan pa tayo ng paulit ulit. 

I should not really beg. But I know to myself that I am not begging because I am just doing the right thing to do so I can satisfy the feelings I have. And the only satisfaction for me, is Gael. The only contentment I can feel and have is Gael. 

He is the future, and will always be. He is the sunset after the tiring day and he is the moon that keeps on giving me light through my darkness. 

Siguro nga ay kapag nagmahal tayo, ganito talaga ang nangyayari. Nagiging sarado tayo sa rason kapag nabulag tayo sa sakit subalit nagbubukas ulit ang mga mata natin kapag nakuha na nating maintindihan at intindihan ang lahat ng bagay. 

Magkaiba rin siguro ay salitang naiintindihan mo sa iniintidi mo. Lahat ng bagay kayo mong maintindihan subalit hindi lahat ng bagay kayo mong intindihin. The thing the shut us up when we are hurt. Naiintindihan mo naman e, pero ayaw mong intindihin. Alam mo na, naintindihan mo naman na kasi ngunit ayaw mong tanggapin. Do you find it ironic and hard to understand? Dahil ganoon nga siguro kapag nagmamahal ka, magulo subalit ang totoong kahulugan ay matatagpuan mo mismo sa sarili mo. 

I end my thoughts right there and released a heavy sigh before I stepped outside my unit. Just like what is planned, I didn’t bring my car and just take a commute. I still have an hour to reach the company, but gladly that the traffic is not to hefty. 

“Noong nakarang isinakay ko kayo ay malungkot pa rin ang mukha niyo, hanggang ngayon pa rin na ilang taon na ang nakalipas.” Bahagyang hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi ng driver. Natauhan na lamang ako ng pinaalala niya sa akin na siya ang nasakyan ko noong mga panahong umiiyak ako. Kung papalarin ka nga naman ng pagkakataon. 

“Wala pa ring nagbabago, tay.” I smiled at him. 

“Mayroon.” He said. “Pag-asa.” And he gave me a thrifty smile. 

“Nagkita kami ulit, tay. After 8 years, nagkita kami ulit.” Pagkukwento ko sa kanya. Nakakatuwang hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagawang magkwento sa kanya noon hanggang ngayon. I suddenly missed my dad. 

“Kung ano man ang susunod na mangyayari ay ipapanalangin ko na bigyan na ng saya ang mga mata mo.” He just smiles at me but I didn’t answer him back as I prayed the same thing that he said.