Only You

Chapter 6

It's already 10 PM in the evening and still, Ricci's here sitting beside me and keeps on being at my side. He never left me this time. Hindi ko alam kung bakit dahil first of all, hindi naman kami mag ka-kilala. I just known him by his name and I know he has the same sentiments with me.

Nandito kami ngayon sa Chapel ng hospital. Taimtim akong nag darasal para sa kalagayan ng kapatid ko. Humihingi ng lakas ng loob at patnubay mula sa kanya, dahil alam kong hindi ko kakayanin ito nang mag-isa.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. His eyes were closed, silently praying while his feet is on the ground. I can't help but to admire this man. I've heard some news about him before but I ignored it dahil wala naman akong pakialam. But being able to be with him and experienced how good he was, it's an enough statement for me to changed my mind to him.

"Are you done?" He asked. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. Hindi ko namalayan na matagal akong napatitig sa kanya. His face is not on annoying mode right now, maybe he doesn't saw me staring at him.

"Y-yeah," nauutal kong sagot sa kanya. Why am I shuttering? Wala pa naman siyang ginagawa. For goodness sake! Nag tatanong lang siya!

Sumandal siya sa upuan at itinuon ang buong pansin sa altar na nasa aming harapan ngayon.

"Palagi ka ba dito sa chapel?" He asked me out of his curiousity. Pagod akong ngumiti sa kanya. Tumango ako. "Oo, palagi akong nandito. Lalo na kapag may mga chemotherapy sessions si Kyle," paliwanag ko. He slowly nodded at me. He's been asking ramdom question lately.

"Would you mind if I ask something personal?" I was stunned by what he said to me just now. I couldn't answer right away. Handa na ba ako? Am I ready to open up something to a stranger?

"O-Oo naman. Ano ba 'yun? Huwag naman masyadong deep ha," pabiro kong ani. He smiled a little to me. I laughed a little to fish out this awkward and nervous feelings of mine.

"Why are you always alone? Why does it make you so comfortable?" He asked.

I timidly laughed at him, but it turned out so serious. I looked at him. "It's just simple... I just don't want to get hurt," I said. I always like saying the truth. Yes, it may hurt but I feel at ease.

He is looking at me like there's no tomorrow. Those eyes seems so cold. I can even feel it.

Iniwas ko ang mga titig ko sa kanya at lumingon sa ibang direksyon. Pakiramdam ko'y hindi ko kakayanin pang makatagal sa mga ganung klaseng tingin.

Ngumisi ako. "I just got tired of being hurt. The moment I was born in this world, I was immediately got hurt by someone who really matters to me before," I said while emphasizing the word, before.

He didn't spoke. "20 years of my life... I spend freaking 20 years alone. Nasanay na ako sa ganitong set-up. Walang-wala 'to, naging manhid narin e," ani ko sabay turo sa dibdib ko. Kapag palagi kang nasasaktan, kalaunan ay natututunan mo na ring hindi masaktan. I'm so fed up with bunches of lies. Busog na ako doon, I don't want it anymore.

Nakatingin parin siya sakin. Pero natutuwa ako dahil hindi ko nakikita yung awa. Hindi ko kasi kailangan nun, walang maitutulong 'yon sa buhay ko.

"In order to protect yourself, you have to hide and be a critical thinker. Kahit hindi pa nangyayari, dapat alam mo na ang gagawin mo. Kailangan mauna ka sa kanila, kaysa naman ikaw ang mahuli at masaktan sa dulo," kalmado kong paliwanag sa kanya.

Sa mundong ito, walang sigurado. Kailangan maging handa ka sa lahat, dahil kung hindi? Masasaktan at masasaktan ka lang. Pero habang nasasaktan ka, huwag mo parin kalimutang maging masaya. Ang hirap 'no? Yung pilit kang ngumingiti, pero deep inside, ang dami mo ng sugat at galos.

"Kapag nag iisa ako, pakiramdam ko ay ang saya ko,"

He have a deep sigh. "I guess you've been so damaged before and up until now, you can't still address that error in yourself deep inside," he said to me. Paanong lahat ng sinasabi niya ay tama?

They say past is past, but those past are still hunting me. They keep bringing pain in me. They keep on destroying me.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Yes, I am. I'm still broken and still in a mess," ani ko sabay iwas ng tingin sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung papaano ko pa aayusin ang sarili ko. I doesn't deserve this kind of pain, no one does.

"Pero aminin na natin, kung wala 'yung sakit... tingin mo may thrill kaya yung buhay natin?" I asked him. Pain has been our game changer ever since. Always.

Kunot-noo niyang tumingin sa akin. "Well, siguro wala. Pero I think, pain should always be there. You know, para may balance. Para hindi ka rin mag-sawa. We all know that pain brings the best in us. It can change and mold us in the best way it can be. So I think, I'll still rather to have the pain beside me," he said.

Hindi ako nakasagot. His words seems luminous to me. Iba yung dating niya. Parang somehow, it made me think kung paano ko dapat buhayin yung buhay ko.

He chuckled to break he silence between us. Parang hindi ako maka-hinga e. Kaming dalawa lang naman yung nandito, pero parang na su-suffocate ako.

"Does it contrast your point of view?" Tanong niya habang nag pipigil ng ngiti. Umiling ako sa kanya. "Hindi naman, napaisip lang," ani ko. Tumingin lang siya ulit sa altar. I couldn't see any emotion from him. I can sense that he is trying to block it from coming out.

"But, you can feel free to be alone... You can do it. You know that you have me, right?"