Everywhere

Guilt

SELIN POV

I shut the door behind me, the sound of it making my eyes tear again. We had had such a beautiful day together, how could things had ended so badly. Uff Demir uff! Why did you had to talk to me like that! I went up to my room, taking the sticking wet clothes from my body and putting on dry ones. I laid on my bed not bothering on drying my hair, as I didn't have the strength to be on my feet anymore.

My heart ached so much while my mind replayed the way our conversation had gone. I had been so angry, so upset, he had tried to tell me what to do and my still present fears resurfaced making me lash out at him.... Though he shouldn't have said the things the way he had said them, I knew he couldn't have possibly known I was going to react the way I did. He had hit a sore spot in me because I had failed to explain myself to him. He had spoken the wrong words and I had hidden my insecurities from him, I had hid my fears and now they had finally come to find me.

It was a complicated matter for me... since I was a small child, I had put my dreams before anything else. My life had been always and endless search for something, for dreams, for goals, for happiness... and in that journey I had left many important things behind. Surprisingly, at short age I had already managed to achieve everything I had ever wanted, maalesef life didn't take too long after that to show me that nothing lasts forever, and that the decisions one takes would have consequences that would follow you forever.

For my dreams, I had decided to leave everything behind and face life alone, so when the accident hit me, stealing my happiness away from me, I realized I would have to face my falling the same way I had chosen to face my rising...completely alone. It had been a dark time in my life, colors faded into white and black, no more light filled me, and for a period of time, I found myself losing my will to keep living, seeing me with no more hopes and no more shore. It took me a long while to stop crying from the weight of my losses. It wasn't till one morning I finally woke up to realize I no longer had more tears left to cry since I had cried them all already. I stood up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror, and finally took notice of myself again.

I had looked back into my memories then, I had stared down at everything I had lived and at how much I had experienced. I saw each and every one of my falls and each of the times I stood up... soon enough, in my memories I found the strong woman I had been becoming, how each mistake had made me wiser, how each experience had made me stronger. I looked at my past self and realized that from all the pain and from all the tears I had lived, I had also learnt, I had grown.

That day I understood It was okay that colors weren't that bright anymore, that light didn't poured in me like it used to before, I wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way because it was what had made me be who I was then. I left my crying self behind and moved forward to my future, finding within me the courage to rebuild my life from nothingness, and with it a new Selin was born. A strong, independent woman, that didn't need anyone but herself, that was perfectly able to reach her own dreams, lose everything in a flash but then able to build a new life from scratch.

I rediscovered myself and found again my will to live, to fully exist, to appreciate the things that surrounded me, and to look for brightness in different ways. I restarted my life, leaving everything behind for the second time, but facing it like the first time, only by myself and by my own will.

That was the way I had been leaving for my past years, alone even when I was surrounded by people, falling quietly, and rising strongly, never needing anyone, never wanting anyone to give me a hand. I reconstructed my life from zero and had done it all by myself... and the knowledge of it, was what kept me moving forward.

I had lived with the security of knowing I only needed me to walk through life, enjoying being with others, even building close relationships too...but only ever needing myself... So when Demir showed up in my life, I was completely clueless at how much my life was going to change because of him.