Everywhere

Confusion

SELIN POV

His words lingered in the air as I tried to convince myself I hadn't heard him right. Demir had just said I would have to be staying with him for a month causing a shiver to go down through my spine. I looked at him while the tension built around us, he was expectantly waiting for my answer, and to be honest I was too.

I drifted my eyes to look around the room trying to understand the implications of what he had proposed. Would I be able to stay with him? Would I be able to share with him a room? My mornings? My nights? I had spend one night with them before, at the camp and it had been beautiful, but I knew it had been only for a night. At the moment I had been scare for feeling what I did and being close to him when he wasn't sure of what he was feeling himself... But now it was a very different situation, I had discovered that my feelings for them ran deeper than I had ever thought possible... that what I felt for them was so consuming and so powerful that I was in risk of losing myself in them.

If I stayed, my days would blend endlessly with them, It wouldn't be only myself anymore, but me with them, everyday and every night ... and I feared with all my being that when that month was up, I wouldn't be able to leave them... That my own self would not be able to be enough anymore for what was left of my life if they weren't with me.

"Baba?" – Aslı's voice startled us both. We had been so immerse in our thinking that we hadn't noticed her entering the room.

She was standing pass the door, dressed on her bunny pj and with her teddy bear in her arms. Demir and I both turned to her, staring while nervously waiting for her reaction. Not only I had not been here yesterday, but now I was laying in her dad's bed at a very early hour of the morning... Even if we had been spending so much time together, I had never entered his room before, much less laid in his bed... and I feared Aslı would see it odd, or worst dislike it.

She was staring at us, her eyes went from Demir to me and then to the blankets that covered me. I could see the gears in her mind moving, trying to figure out what we were doing here, what I was doing here. Her feet moved then, slowly walking towards us on bed till she finally reached me.

"Selin abla?" — She was sad and it teared me thinking that she maybe wasn't welcoming my presence here — "Why didn't you wake me up when you came? Seni çok özledim"

My chest contracted, her sadness had nothing to do with her disliking me being here, but actually it was all about me leaving her yesterday. I surrounded her with my arms, pulling her towards me, cradling her in my lap as my hand slowly caressed her hair.

"Ben de çok özledim meleğim" — I kissed the top of her head — "Çok çok özledim"

"Then why didn't you call me yesterday? Why didn't you wake me up? — I held her tighter to me, trying with my arms to ease her sadness just like I had done with her dad not so long ago.

"Özür dilerim bebek, I didn't want to worry you, and you were peacefully sleeping I didn't want to wake you up" — I knew that I hadn't been my fault what had happened, but I knew how she tended to worry about me when something happened, so there was no way I would tell her I had fallen sick. It broke me really... seeing her worry in a way a child shouldn't, seeing her cry in fear of something happening to me... and even if I didn't quite understand it, I had guessed already it had to be about something related to her mother — "I'm not doing it again, I promise you, tamam mı?"

She nodded her head and her arms surrounded my neck with all the strength her little arms could manage.

"I love you baby" — I whispered to her ear and she buried her face in the crook of my neck.

"Ben de, çok seviyorum, çok" — My stomach flutter at her words, and a tear escaped my eyes as my heart melted with all the love I carried for her.