A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 12

"더 못 참고 설레는 마음을 다 밝힌 뒤에."
"[I couldn't take the butterflies anymore, so I revealed my feelings to you]."

⭐

I've been worried all night because I have something to say. Words I thought I wouldn't say. That Friday afternoon, you asked me who I like. It's you, you fool.

-Aurora (오로라)

2016. 07. 11.

Last night, I finally figured it out. If I can't say it with my mouth, I'm going to tell him without speaking. I thought of saying it with a letter. Even though it was a school night I stayed up late finishing writing it and let me tell you, I've never been so upset with my handwriting ever since last night. I wasted so many papers! It's either I made a mistake or was just not satisfied and it's not like he's grading my handwriting. But I did, I acted like one.

     San was absent today, he's not feeling well since Sunday night so I had no seatmate for the whole day. I was worried and scared because I was still avoiding Seonghwa. San told me Seonghwa really looked like he wanted to talk to me last week and tried a couple of times but didn't go for it. "What if he tried today?" that was what I was thinking. It was hard because I didn't have San with me today, the only guy that knows what I feel. I told him I don't want to talk to Seonghwa until I figured it out. But now that I figured it out, I planned to talk to him after school ended today.

     It was during one of our classes, we were tasked to go to the library because we had no teacher and there was no available substitute. We had one class of free time.

     After I had found the book I wanted to read, I went and sat in a corner of the room. Minutes later, someone pulled the chair beside me and a familiar scent filled my nose. I didn't bother looking up, I could already tell by the perfume. He sat beside me with a book in his hand. From the corner of my eyes, I saw him put down the book and started flipping the pages.

     I was contemplating to greet him or not but I decided not to. It was complete silence between us two until he asked me what book I was reading. I knew for sure he could see the title of the book but still, he wanted to ask me.

     I wasn't really reading the book I was just pretending to make myself look busy. I didn't speak as if I didn't hear a single thing but then my conscience ate me. Right there I knew I couldn't just ignore him so I opened my mouth telling him the title.

     "It's Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice," I replied continuing to read even though I could probably recite every line in this book.

     "날 피하는 거야? [Are you avoiding me?]" I could tell from my peripheral vision he was staring at me. I didn't want to see his deep brown eyes that were already looking at me so I didn't bother taking my eyes off of the book I had with me.

     "아니 (Ani)," I lied keeping my response short. I knew for sure I was going to embarrassed myself in front of him if I talked more.

     Here's the thing, when I still didn't know he likes me, I couldn't care less about embarrassing myself in front of him but now that I know, it changed. I'm suddenly conscious of what to say and what to do. I hate it but I can't help it. Back when we were still partners in Music class and we would practice almost every day I was just doing fine. I wonder what happened?

     "You are," he stated the fact.

     "아니 (Ani)," I lied once again even though he knew I was hundred percent lying.

     School ended after three more classes. I was about to approach and give him what I needed to give him when one of our classmates asked me regarding the homework she was confused about. When we were done talking, I noticed he was already gone.

     Grabbing my bag quickly to leave our classroom I saw him walking, too far from where I was. I started hesitating if I should give him today or tomorrow.

     "It's now or never," I remember my subconscious mind said at that time before I started chasing after him.

     "성화씨! (Seonghwa-ssi!)" I yelled stopping on my feet, calling for his attention hoping he'd hear me.

     I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him stopped walking much further and looked back hearing me called for him. I walked towards him, too tired from all the running I did while he waited for me, standing where he was.

     I had the paper in my hand, the letter I made for him. The reason why I avoided him was written on it and what I've kept from him. The reason why I avoided him was that I didn't know what am I going to do, how am I going to do it and what am I going to say and how am I going to say it. And like I said I wanted to figure it out first.

     We walked home in silence but then when we were in front of our buildings he suddenly stopped so I also stopped and looked at him.

      "나는 서운한 거 있어 [I am disappointed in you about something]."

     "왜? 말해줘 [Why? Tell me]," I replied acting like I didn't know what he was talking about as my eyes were meeting his brown eyes to see a serious Seonghwa.

     "왜 사니한테는그에게 스킨십하면서 나한테는 안 하냐? [Why do you touchy-feely with him but not me?]" he complained.

     I cracked a smile and wanted to laugh at him, "But San's my best friend," I reasoned.

     "넌 예전에 나랑 그랬는데 지금은 아니야 [You used to do that with me, but not now]," he told me sounding completely jealous.

     "부럽니? [Are you jealous?]" I jokingly asked.

     "응 (Eung)," a serious expression was not leaving his face as he nodded his head at me, surprising me with his boldness. "왜냐하면 나 너 좋아 [Because I like you]," confessing to me for the second time.

     "너도 지난주에 나를 피했어. 좋아하는 사람이 있으면 누가 질투하지 않겠어-[You also avoided me last week. Who wouldn't be jealous if someone you like-]" he kept talking.

     "내가 너를 좋아한다고 해도 넌 여전히 질투할 거니? [Would you still be jealous if I say I like you?]" I asked gaining confidence, surprising myself with my words. He looked surprised, his eyes searching in my eyes if I really said it.

     "뭐? 뭐라고? [What? What did you say?]" the expression on his face was clear that he was indeed taken aback by what I told him.

     Grabbing his hand I handed him my letter. He looked at me confused with the paper in his hand.

     Keeping the eye contact, his hands on mine, and with my heart beating loud I confessed, "성화씨... 나도 널 좋아해 (Seonghwa-ssi... nado neol johahae)."