A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 27

"사랑이란 아프고 아픈 것, 이별이란 아프고 더 아픈 것 같애."
"Love is so painful, goodbyes are even more painful."

⭐

My heart will always be with you.

-Aurora (오로라)

2018. 07. 20

I don't know where to start. At this point, I don't even know what to feel. I don't know what should I do. All I know is that it hurts so much. Like a thousand people just stabbed me and they still keep stabbing me.

I don't want to say it but... it happened. We ended things now. I know, crazy. I'm about to go crazy. It's almost 1 in the morning and here I am writing this with blurry eyes and tears falling. At times like this, when I have problems I just wanna sleep. Hoping by sleeping I'd forget what happened earlier. But I feel like no matter what I do, I won't be able to forget it. Like even in my sleep, it will haunt me.

It's sad. No, scratch that. Sad... three words but it isn't even near to what I feel right now. I feel more than sad. My heart is breaking. I never knew heartbreak could hurt this much. Well, until now. Now that I'm feeling it. I now know how much it hurts. I feel like my heart's been ripped out. My heart's been shred into pieces.

If only I could stop this heartache I've felt for the past few hours I already did but I can't. Sadly, I can't. I'm tired of crying. I've cried even before he left. I wanna stop crying but my eyes can't stop pouring down more tears. Why does heartbreak hurt this much? Why is it so hard and painful? I wanna scream and let out all my emotions but I can't find my voice.

My phone is blowing up from messages and calls but I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I want to be alone.

Our relationship... what we had, we were too blinded that it was already not working. I still love him but we couldn't just keep going on like that. It was hard, especially for us. We barely saw each other. We barely talk. Remember when he told me he'd visit again? he did but that was the last time before this one. We both got in trouble, him in his company and me to my academics. Relationships aren't supposed to be like that. It isn't supposed to work like that.

I won't say I'd never wondered what might happen if we broke up. I did wonder about it. What I never saw coming was me being so naïve about what's happening.

Love. It hurts especially if you love someone from the bottom of your heart. I totally know that. It's crazy how love works. It's just four letters but it's powerful. It's like a drug that makes you feel a lot of things. You feel butterflies in your stomach, happiness, or just like a drug that causes euphoria, you feel at home around them, they give a sense of comfort and there's this, pain. Loving someone... loving him is the best... and the worse.

Hi :), it's already the next day. Aurora, I hope you're doing better even though you know yourself you still feel the same way as last night. I stopped writing because... I couldn't... I wanna laugh at myself for beginning to cry again right now. I'm sorry, I know I promised myself before writing here again I won't cry but obviously, I'm back being a crying mess. Anyway, I'm hoping this time I'll be able to finish writing what happened despite how this hurts so much and there's no second a tear doesn't fall from my eyes.

He called me yesterday telling me he'd visit me again. I was happy but at the same time, my eyebrows furrowed because I know how busy they are with their company especially these days. We never even celebrated our anniversary together. I wanted to be mad at him but it wasn't his fault. I know him. He'd be here if he was really free.