A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 15

"I mess up, I start fights, I easily get jealous."

⭐

We'll shine like stars at night.

-Aurora (오로라)

2016. 09. 21.

I'm fine now after I showered and took a nap for a couple of hours. A shower and a nap made me feel so much better. Today is Wednesday, and Seonghwa and I just got into our first fight. We were walking home together when it happened.

My mind was occupied for the whole day, I wasn't really in the mood. This morning, I woke up seeing I'm on my monthly period. Plus my parents were fighting last night, I could hear them yelling at each other in my room. The fact that they were trying to be quiet for me not to hear, but I could hear what they were completely saying since their room was just right next to mine. I didn't want to listen to them fighting so I plugged in my earphones and played songs in full volume.

"왜 그래? 오늘을 왜 리렇게 조용하니? (Wae gurae? Oneurel wae ireohge joyonghani?)" Seonghwa's voice snapped me from zoning out. Noticing that I was so quiet he asked what was wrong and why was I so quiet today, focusing his attention on me.

"나야? 내가 뭐 잘못했어? (Naya? Naega mwo jalmoshaesseo?)" he kept questioning if he was the reason I was being quiet and if he did something wrong.

I didn't respond. I appreciate Seonghwa's concern but at that time, it was starting to piss me off. How could he think he did something wrong that's why I was being like that. I just wanted a peaceful silence. Today after eating our lunch we stayed in the library until it was almost time. Wanting a quiet place, the library will never fail you if you want that.

"오로라야 (Aurora-ya)," I heard him said my name seriously.

"아무것도 없다 (Amugeosdo eobsda)," I responded telling him it was nothing, still not answering the question if he did something wrong.

"그럼 왜 이러는 거야? [Then why are you like that?]" snapping at me lightly.

I didn't know the exact reason why was I acting like that. I didn't know what was going inside my head. How could I explain it? when I couldn't even understand it myself. At that time everything irritated me. I didn't want someone questioning me, especially that I was not in the right mood. I know, everything kinda doesn't make sense and that was completely how I feel earlier.

"나야? (Naya?)" he repeated what he asked earlier referring to himself as I shook my head, trying not to get mad at him.

"난 그냥... 피로한 [I'm just... tired]," I replied looking down on the ground. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I didn't even feel like I slept, at all. Maybe, this added to the factors why I was being like that.

He looked at me, completely doubting what I told him. I wasn't completely lying perhaps he thought of me lying because I didn't want to tell him about my parents. I don't talk about my parents to anyone except my older brother who's in college that's studying abroad.

"피곤하다고 했잖아 [I told you I'm just tired]," I snapped at him, completely fed up and to make him stop questioning more.

"글쎄, 그렇게 보이지 않아 [Well, it doesn't look like it]," he irritatedly replied. He knows I'm keeping something from him.

"오로라야, 말해줘 네가 말하지 않으면 내가 어떻게 도와줄까 [Aurora-ya, you need to tell me. How am I going to help if you don't tell me]," his voice softens but seriousness didn't leave the tone of his voice.

"난 그것에 대해 말하고 싶지 않아 [I don't wanna talk about it]," I said hoping he'd understand and stop asking. At that time, my patience was wearing thin and then he asked again.

"나야? 말해도 돼 [Is it me? You can tell me]," he asked for a thousand times.

"It's not you! How many times do I have to tell you?" I snapped, frustrated with him. "Okay fine, it's you then," I agreed since he kept asking and seemed like he was insisting for himself to be the reason why I was being quiet.

Our afternoon ended up with us fighting. We weren't talking to each other until we arrived in front of the buildings that our houses are in.

After my nap, I remember the fight of Seonghwa and I. What happened earlier between us makes me feel so bad for snapping, worrying him, and hurting his feelings. He doesn't deserve that. I can still recall what his face says when I told him I didn't wanna talk about it, his face was so disappointed. You could see the hurt in his eyes.

Grabbing my phone beside me I started looking for his contacts and once I found it I didn't hesitate to dial the number. Looking back at the reason why we fought is so immature.

He picked up on the third ring.

"성화씨... 미안해 (Seonghwa-ssi... mianhae)," I spoke feeling guilty with my actions.

"이기적으로 굴어서 미안해... 네 기분이 어떨지 말이야 [I'm sorry for being selfish... about how you would feel]," tears started building up my eyes. "말 안 해서 미안해, 네가 날 걱정해주는 건 알지만 내가 잘못 받아들였어 [I'm sorry for not telling you, I know you're just probably worried about me but I took it the wrong way]," I stopped as I felt a few tears slipped my eyes, frustrated with myself.

"네가 나한테 말하고 싶지 않아서 화가 났을 뿐이야. 너는 나에게 물건을 보관하고 있다. 난 네가 걱정돼... 네 감정에 대해서 말이야 아무것도 할 수 없는 게 싫어, 난 널 읽을 수 없어. 나는 쓸모없는 기분이 든다. 나는 너를 돕고 싶고 네가 말해주지 않으면 할 수 없어 [I'm just upset that you don't want to tell me. You are keeping things to me. I'm worried about you... about what you feel. I hate it when I can't do anything, I can't read you. I feel useless. I want to help you and I can't do it if you won't tell me]."

"그래, 열어주지 못해서 미안해. 너에게 내 감정을 좀 더 개방적으로 표현하겠다고 약속할게 [Yes, sorry for not opening up. I promise I'll be more open about my feelings to you]," I responded wiping my tears that had fallen on my cheeks.

"아무거나 말해도 돼. 말도 안 되는 소리라도 상관없어, 그냥 말해봐 [You can tell me anything. I don't care even if it's nonsense, just tell me]," he assured me. "오로라씨, 난 항상 네 곁에 있을게 [Aurora-ssi, I'll always be there for you]."

Hearing those words came out from his mouth made me realize why did I even fight with him? How could I fight with him? How could I fight someone like him? How could I fight someone like Seonghwa? Of course, he just wants what's good for me.

"너를 해치고 실망시켜서 미안해 [I'm sorry for hurting and disappointing you]."

"오로라씨, 괜찮아 (Aurora-ssi gwaenchanha)."