A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 29

"You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another."

⭐

I was scared so I run away.

-Aurora (오로라)

2018. 07. 27.

When I heard the announcer announced our flight, I closed the black notebook deciding to continue writing when I'm finally on the plane. Letting out a loud sigh, I stood up and grabbed my luggage beside me. I clutched my jacket closer and adjusted the bucket hat that I'm wearing while I followed behind my mom.

My grandfather is in critical condition and my mom wanted to be with her father if ever something bad happens. I want to spend my days with him and my grandmother as well especially that I haven't been with them since we moved. We visited them during Christmas break but it wasn't enough.

I was really young when we left America. I was seven when my parents decided for us to move to Seoul and live there. Being in another country far from home, far from where I grew up, of course, it felt so strange. It was hard at first but we get used to it. Everything becomes normal. Korea... it starts to feel like home.

Moving in Korea has pros and cons. The pros are I get to meet my grandparents and my relatives on my father side, it's a new environment, I get to learn so much about myself, I get to know more about my culture and I finally become a part of my other culture. Cons are leaving my childhood friends, classmate friends, everybody on my mother's side, I had no friends when we came to Korea, and I barely knew how to speak Korean. Luckily, I was still young so it became easy for me to learn Korean but I had a hard time making a lot of friends since I'm not really a talkative person. I easily get shy around people but once I get comfortable with them I become talkative and I open up to them.

I made a couple of friends when I was still elementary, they are twins but we also parted. We attended different schools because they moved. I don't know where they are now. We lost contact with each other. I wonder if they still remember me or not.

Thinking about them makes me think about my best friend. I'm sad about leaving him. I'm sad leaving everyone I love behind, my relatives, Seungmin unnie, San and Seonghwa. But it's one way or another. It be like that sometimes, that's life.

I didn't tell anybody about leaving Korea and moving to another continent for good. I hate telling goodbyes to people. It's the worst thing. I thought if I saw the people I love before I leave, I'm going to change my mind and I couldn't let that happen. I know it sounds so selfish for me to do but that was the only thing I could think of without hurting myself even more. I'm already hurt and I don't want to make it worse but at the same time, it is already worse. I don't know, it already happened.

I'd been thinking about this decision so hard but I finally made up my mind. I want it and I need it. I'm going to do it even though it means I'm going to leave my friends and my school behind me. Leaving them feels like I'll lose myself. My mom also didn't want to leave her work but that's for the better. I also think I should be away from him. Everywhere I go, the places we've been to, everything just reminds me of him and that's not good. I feel like I'm being suffocated.... that I couldn't breathe. I also need time to breathe. I love him but it hurts. I need to not think about him that's why we decided to live in America to be close to my grandparents. Maybe I'll get him off my mind if I'm far away from him, to the place we've never been together.

Dad will fly after a month, he still needs to process his paperwork. About my mom's business, my aunt, my dad's sister will manage it for her. For me, with my school, I'll just continue studying in the States.

I let out a loud sigh keeping my head in front of me, trying not to look back. I remember the exact thought running my mind at that time, I was contemplating if I should continue doing it or not. It's now or never. Every step that I took I became closer to what I'd decided, leaving. It felt wrong but I already made my decision and I couldn't just let go of it. I wouldn't be in that place if at first, I didn't make a point. Every time I took a step I reminded myself of the reasons how and why did I choose to be in that situation. I did it for a reason. I had reasons why I was there in that situation. Memories of me deciding started pouring my mind. Right there, I knew there was already no turning back.

I know leaving is the hardest part, leaving my country, my home, and everyone. It makes me sad because I mostly spent my whole life in this country, that's why leaving this place was really a big decision I made. It felt wrong but at the time, when I made up my mind, I knew it was the right one.

With one last step before reaching the plane, I couldn't help myself and I looked back even I tried not to. Looking at my country for the last time brought both happiness and sadness in me. I closed my eyes and opened them seconds after letting out a loud sigh knowing I wouldn't be seeing my hometown for a while.

Korea, you hold a good place in my heart. You were good to me. I don't wanna say goodbye, so 'til I see you again next time.