A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 30

"하루하루 지나 지금 기억이 다 잊힌대도 그대는 내게 늘 빛이었다는."
"[As days go by, I might lose some memories but to me, you were always the brightest light]."

⭐

Things I wanted to say, I wrote them one by one.

-Aurora (오로라)

2018. 07. 27.

I've never met a person whose simple existence could make me feel alive but that changed when I met him. Ever since he has come into my life, he has made me feel beautiful. It seems that I have experienced the moments of paradise with him. It's all because of him. Him, the guy that could make me happy with a simple gesture. The guy that could make me smile even with just the thought of him. When I first met him, that moment I had no idea he would have such a big impact on me. He walked in on my life, me not knowing that there are people who really will set us on fire with the intensity of their heart.

I remember it all, what happened between us. The music class project that started it all, growing feelings, the confession, the jealousy, me avoiding him for a week, our first kiss, our first fight, the night he said he loved me, the time we celebrated Christmas, and our birthday together, the letter he wrote me. I'll remember them all, even the words he told me. I can't and I won't forget.

When I close my eyes, it's him there in my mind. I still feel it, the butterflies in my stomach, the rush of my heart, the way the room seemed to fade, to focus on him. The way his brown eyes looked at me lovingly. My eyes that glitter with happiness when I think of him. The feelings he made me feel by hearing him say I love you. The way the corner of his lips curve. The way our lips move in sync and I could taste and feel at the same time his love for me. I could spend my day listening and looking at him talk all day. Hearing my name roll off from his mouth. The way my body took unconscious steps forward, closing the space between us. The way I opened my mouth and words poured out without me thinking. The way he always seemed to know everything, the right words to say, and what exactly what I wanted to hear. The way he seemed to already know exactly what I was going to say. The way we hugged, the way it felt natural. I want it all back but I don't think it's possible anymore.

I love everything about him, even his flaws. His imperfection that I still find beautiful because that's part of him. Part of Seonghwa, the guy that I love. The guy that made me feel how to be loved. He might sometimes doubt himself but I always believe in him. In my eyes, he's perfection. He will always be enough for me. There's nothing he does that's not enough for me. All I want is him.

We were together for two years but it seemed like two years wasn't two years. It doesn't feel like it. It ended so fast. Time flies by so fast. I want to rewind the clock, where I was still in his arms. Now all I have is a cold wind. I want his warmth. Every day and every night there's no second he doesn't cross my mind. He's living in my mind rent-free.

I hope he meets his Aurora, the one who will give him light in the dark. The one who will be there for him. The Aurora, who will make him shine brighter. The girl who'll make him not be afraid of the dark. I wish for her to also see the light in his eyes and the sparkle in his smile. I wish nothing but for him to be happier, that's all that matters. I hope she takes care of him because he's one of the best I ever had.

Writing these words hurts even more than what I've imagined. I didn't know this time would come. This is farther than I've imagined. It's harder than imagined. It might be hard to say goodbye but I needed to. I needed to let go. It's all gone, he's gone. He's not mine anymore. He was once mine, I couldn't call him that now.

He was the best thing that happened to me. He's my greatest happiness. Even if we didn't end up together. Even if we didn't last like I thought we would. We are not meant for each other, we were meant to walk different paths. I'm still happy, I met him in my life. He became part of my life. A part of my life I wish I still have.

It might be hard to accept and move on but I'll try my best. I'll do it one step at a time. I know it won't be easy to leave my past behind me but I hope I'll be happy in the future. I won't forget him. I can't and I won't. He will always be close to my heart.

In another lifetime, if I have the chance I'd do it all again just to let him be here. I'd do it all again even for a thousand times knowing that it will end the same way. I'd still choose him over and over again. I'll always choose him. Maybe in another life, everything will work out alright. He may not be here with me but I have the memories we made with each other. All of our memories will forever be with me.

He has a place in my heart no one could ever take. No one can ever replace him, ever. He's special to me. There's nothing like us. There's nothing that I could compare to what we had. It was different with him. It will always be different.

He'll only be the one for me. He'll be my forever star, 언제나 (eonjena).