A Thousand Times by E Janetulip

Chapter 20

"So please, 말해줘요 it's alright 불안한 이 안개속."
"[So please, tell me it's alright in this uneasy fog]."

⭐

I see you, the other side of your magnificent rainbow.

-Aurora (오로라)

2017. 06. 23.

"너 오늘 시간 있니? [Are you free today?]" he asked through the phone.

"얼마나 좋을까 [How I wish]."

School is tiring me out. Projects everywhere, deadlines to catch up, test, and quizzes and this month is for those things. Sometimes, I wonder how do other people handle these things, how do they even get out alive of high school.

We've been in our last year of high school for months now. It's making me sick with all the tasks done in school. We have this class that we're supposed to work with a partner in the library. Just like what happened with Seonghwa and I back when we were seatmates, our partner is the one we are seating beside with. Chanhee, my seatmate, and a guy from the other class last school year.

Seonghwa and I are barely hanging out these past few weeks. We've been busy with school and other stuff, mostly with the school. My partner Chanhee, we usually meet up for our pair work, leaving him and me to not have free time to hang out together. We also barely see each other on the campus even though we're attending the same school. We only see each other when we go to school in the morning, lunch, and sometimes after school ends if we don't have anything to do. He and I are no longer in the same class.

About San, we're still in the same class together and just like him, we barely get to hang out. However, the difference is we see each other every day in class. Remember when I had Seonghwa as my partner in Music class, that time we also didn't get to usually hang out like before. This is like a déjà vu.

This week on Wednesday, I was with the guy in our class to teach me math in the library after school. Would you believe me if I said Seonghwa is scary when he's angry? Well for me, that's already old news.

I was absent for straight two days and a half because I was sick. I was so behind with the lessons so I asked Chanhee to teach me if he has some time since he's great at it. Math is my only concern because I could keep up with the other subjects by myself except for Math. I'm not good at Math. I could ask Seonghwa but he also isn't in good terms with numbers. He's good in every subject except that one. He despises that subject, Math.

Seonghwa arrived at where we were seating and sat in front of us with a book and a pen on his hand.

"안녕 (Annyeong)," I greeted and Chanhee also did the same. He then went back to teaching me right after.

Minutes of him trying to educate me, I heard Seonghwa spoke.

"오로라야, 어서 가자 [Aurora, come on let's go]," he said calmly, standing up from his seat. I didn't notice it was the tranquility before the chaos.

"뭐? 하지만 아직 안 끝났어 [What? But, we're not done with this]," referring to the lesson.

"그녀가 맞아, 우린 아직 끝나지 않았어 [She's right, we're still not done]," the guy beside me spoke.

"내가 도와줄게 [I can help you with that]."

My eyebrows furrowed at him. "넌 수학을 잘 못하잖아 [You're not good at math]."

"내가 공부해줄게 [I'll study it for you]."

"거의 다 끝났어 [We're almost done with it]," the guy butted in.

The way Seonghwa looked at the guy, his eyes burn like fire as he looked at his way. His hands were also balled into fists at the side. He really looked so scary.

"그녀의 공간을 차지하느라 바쁘지 않다면 아마 지금쯤 끝날지도 몰라 [Maybe you'd be finished by now if you weren't busy taking her space]," his voice was fierce. I got taken aback by his actions. "오로라야, 가자 [Aurora, let's go]."

I didn't bother saying anything and just went to grab my things. I took a bow to the guy saying I was sorry. I haven't seen Seonghwa that mad before.

"뭐였어요? [What was that?]" I asked, once we were out of the library stopping him by grabbing his arm. I tried to make him look at me in the eyes but his eyes weren't meeting mine.

"왜 나한테 말을 안 해? [Why aren't you talking to me?]" I said, completely frustrated with his actions. First, he was acting strange. Second, he wasn't answering me.

"아직도 같은 마음이야? [Do you still feel the same way?]" he blurted out.

I got surprised by his question and was even more surprised as soon as I took in his face. It was serious. A complete opposite of the usual bubbly Seonghwa that I know. I was hesitating if I heard him right but his next words assured me he did.

"오로라야, 넌 그 사람과 행복해 보여 [Aurora, you look happy with him]," his voice broke off in the end.

Thoughts started running my mind. I remember exactly what my thoughts were, "How could he think of that? Am I making me feel him that way? Am I too blind not to see that? Am I too insensitive? How could I not feel that?"

"뭐?... 물론 지금도 마찬가지야 [What?... Of course, I still feel the same way]," I said reassuring him, holding his hands feeling it let loose of the fists he formed.

"성화씨, 그냥 친구야. 넌 훨씬 더 특별해 난 그를 사랑하지 않아. 내가 사랑하는 사람은 너야 [Seonghwa, he's just a friend. You're much more special. I don't love him. You are the one that I love]."

"널 잃고 싶지 않아 [I don't want to lose you]," his face was vulnerable. I've never seen him be that vulnerable before. I've never seen that side of him.

I felt my chest tighten when the words left his mouth. My heart completely broke when I heard him said those words. Looking at his face, I felt tears began forming my eyes. I got blinded by the fact that he was having an inner battle. He thinks he's not good enough for me. He thinks he might lose me because of that. But he's more than enough for me. I love him as he is.

"넌 날 잃지 않을 거야 [You won't lose me]," I said, feeling my tears started falling.

"넌 날 절대 잃지 않을 거야 [You'll never lose me]," I whispered at him.

That afternoon, I made a promise to myself. To never make him feel that way ever again. Seonghwa might be the guy that's good in everything but he could still have low self-esteem. And I'll make sure to fulfill that to him. I just hope my assurance will be enough for him to think he won't lose me.