Back to you | ✔

29 | Chapter Twenty Nine

B O N N I E

"I love you." As soon as the words leave his mouth, I know he regrets them. Whether he regrets thinking them or voicing them, though, I can't tell.

"Josh," I breathe out and step towards him, but he moves back. He refuses to look up and meet my eyes, but I don't let up.

"I love you too," I whisper with a shy smile, trying to get him to look back at me, but it doesn't work.

"I have to go," he grumbles almost incoherently, and with that, he leaves. Without even so much as an explanation, he just walks out of the room and leaves those three words lingering.

"What the fuck," I mumble under my breath, dragging a hand over my face, hoping to wipe away whatever just happened. I walk over and sit beside my window, watching as Josh walks across the street and into his dad's house.

I sit there and wait so I can catch another glimpse of him. I don't know what he is feeling, but he doesn't seem excited about his admission, so that worries me. Ten minutes later, he emerges from the house carrying a big blue duffle bag.

He throws it into the backseat of his car and walks around to slide into the driver's seat. But, before he does, he stops and glances over his shoulder towards my house. He is looking directly at me. His mouth stuck in a tight straight line, and his jaw clenched so hard I reach out to touch mine as if I was feeling his pain.

I smile at him because I know he can see me watching him, but he doesn't smile back. He shakes his head slightly and slides into the car before driving away and rounding the corner at the end of our street.

My phone rings from somewhere in my bed. I dive for it, hoping it might be Josh, but I know my chances are slim. I glance at the phone to see Liv's name dancing on my screen.

"Liv, hey," I say, out of breath.

"Bonnie, what are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you breathing like that? Please tell me you aren't doing what I think you are-" I cut her off. "Gross Liv, you think I'd answer the phone if I were?" Her laughter falls through the line, and I fight a smile.

"But seriously, why are you breathing like that? Are you okay?" she's asking me a million questions, frantically searching for answers, but there's nothing to give.

"I'm fine, Liv," I snap a little harsher than expected, she scoffs at me.

"Yeah, as if I believe that. Did you forget I'm a girl, Bon? I know what I'm fine means."

"Josh said I love you today, like today as in thirty minutes ago," I look down at the clock on my wall. It feels like its been hours since he left, but I can still feel his presence lingering around my bedroom.

"He what?!" Her screams come through the phone, and I hold it back from my ear. I don't need a burst eardrum, not today. The last thing I need is that on top of everything else already going on.

"I'm coming over." She hangs up the phone before I can argue.

I lay back in my bed, staring up at my ceiling, trying to think of all reasons he said it. We used to say it to each other a lot as kids, but it meant nothing more than the admiration of friendship then. Now, something between us has changed. We are older now, and our feelings have grown with us.

I close my eyes, needing to calm myself down before Liv gets here. I know how chaotic she is, and knowing what Josh said will only drive her to the brink of insanity. I love the girl, but she is a lot to handle sometimes. Luckily she is dating her other best friend because I don't think anyone else would know how to handle her.

"Bonnie, you have some explaining to do." Liv bursts into my bedroom, throwing open my door and slamming it closed behind her. "Liv, Jesus, calm down." I groan, covering my eyes from seeing her. I don't want to see the excitement on her face, because I'm not sure yet if this is something to be excited about or not. Most likely the latter.

"No, go away." I groan, trying to shoo her and she giggles. "You can't get rid of me that easily Bon, you know that," she teases.

I sit up in bed, crossing my legs and look up to face her. She is grinning from ear to ear, but she has no reason to be. From the way he shook his head, almost looking disgusted by me... I don't think the love you was intentional.

"What happened?" her excitement dulls. She must sense my mood and know something is wrong. She comes and sits beside me, crossing her legs and facing me, so our knees are touching. "Bonnie," she whispers, and I give in.

The tears fall, and I couldn't stop them even if I tried.

"Bon, tell me what's going on?"

I sigh and take in a deep breath, trying to calm myself down so I can get this out. "He said I love you; then he ran out of here."

"I saw him when he was leaving his dad's house, and I smiled at him, but he just shook his head and looked at me like he wanted to vomit."

"Am I that unlovable?" the sobs leaving me now sound so foreign, they don't even feel like they're coming from me.

"Oh girl, you know that's not it. Maybe he is just scared?"

Her assumption makes sense, and I'm such an asshole for making everything about me. His dad just had a freaking heart attack, and I'm sitting here crying because he said I love you? God, what is wrong with me.

"I'm horrible, Liv." I groan and lean into her arms, she wraps them around me and pulls me tighter to her. There's something about a best friend's hug that is so calming, so reassuring, so warm. But, even her hugs can't warm the cold place in my heart where Josh used to live.

"You aren't horrible," she tries to reassure me, but I stop her. "This morning, Josh's dad had a minor heart attack."

Her mouth falls open, and her eyes widen in shock. I grimaced, waiting for her judgment, but it never comes. She pulls me into her again, tighter this time as I sob. I have never felt this guilty in my entire life. How can I sit here and cry when Josh is on his way to the hospital to be with his dad, who had a freaking heart attack?

"I know Josh loves you, whether or not he meant to say it, who knows. But, that boy loves you, and he will be okay. Just give him time."

I know she is right, but how can I do that? I've lost so much time with him. It's hard for me to let go again, even if it is only temporary.

***

Later that night, after Olivia leaves, I lay in bed. My room is pitch black and silent as I lay and absorb the quiet. It's broken when I hear the sound of a car door closing outside.

I jump up from the bed and crawl over to my bedroom window; I don't want him to know I waited for him to get home. I slowly peer up and see Josh walking to his front door. He looks defeated, and my heart breaks. I know seeing his dad like this is hard on him, especially after what they went through with his mom.

When she got cancer, their entire world changed. She was in and out of the hospital regularly, Josh spending all his time there when he wasn't with me. Being in that hospital again would be hard, and seeing his dad that, way even harder.

I watch him, waiting to see if he turns to see if I'm awake, but he doesn't. He pushes over the front door and disappears inside. My heart sinks when he is gone. I want to see him for just a minute longer.

I sit there and stare up at the night sky, every couple of minutes, I glance over at his house, but it's dark, not a single light is on in his house.

I feel my phone vibrate and I pick it up to see a message. It's from him.

"I meant it, just know that."