The Demon's Angel

Chapter 22

Kurt
I sighed. I was hidden in a tree about a mile from camp, the leaves rustling comfortingly around me. I would've preferred to visit a church, but it was still daylight. Any church nearby would still be open for awhile. What Werner said stung a lot. His words were as icy as his gaze. I didn't understand what I had done to make him dislike me, but it wasn't as if his words weren't true. I looked like a demon, and even though I hadn't hurt myself since Elizabeth made me promise, I still avoided looking into mirrors or reading the symbols on my skin. Even in that tree, it took a lot of effort to keep my eyes from wandering over the scars, as I had done thousands of times since they were put there. In the end, my efforts were in vain. I felt a sense of morbid satisfaction in reading the familiar words: monster, demon, freak, devil. I traced each with my finger. I remembered the way that Amanda had avoided my gaze when Werner spoke, how that small betrayal hurt worse than anything he could have told me. Then, I closed my eyes and let the hate that I had pushed down most of the time burn. My heart ached. I clenched my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut as tears began to well.

When I was finally able to take deep breaths and calm down enough, I felt a sharp pain. I opened my eyes and stared at the claws attached to my arm. Carefully I unhooked my hand, leaving three small holes in my arm. Thankfully, they weren't deep and stopped bleeding very quickly.

I sighed. I needed to let this go. There were plenty of people in the world that hated me already just for being what I was. I didn't need to hate myself, too. I looked down at myself. God made me for a reason. He loved me, even if no one else ever would. Those marks were lies. They were beautiful, but they were only cruel lies. Those kids were wrong about me, and I was stupid enough to actually believe them. At that thought, I began to laugh. This all started with a group of stupid teenagers, strangers who I hadn't seen before that day, and hadn't seen since. What did they know? What did Werner know? I hugged myself, letting the tears flow as I laughed. None of them knew absolutely anything about me, and yet, I had let them control the opinion I had of myself for over a year. I smiled and finally tried to let go of the burning hatred I had reserved for myself in my chest. A weight seemed to lift off of my shoulders, and for the first time in a year, I tried to imagine what loving myself could feel like.

When I walked into the trailer, Elizabeth slipped her arms around my neck, happily hugging me. I hugged back. "He's so stupid," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "You know that, right?" I smiled. "Yes. I... I just needed to let myself realize that." She pulled away. "I'm glad you feel better," she said, smiling widely. I nodded. "Me too."

I may have felt a lot better, but of course, my troubles with Werner weren't even close to over. "No! You need to wait until the line, 'You will forever be mine'! Don't leave until then!" I yelled over at Werner on the other end of the trapeze. Of course, he had been given a role as an angel. Amanda rolled her eyes next to me. "Calm down, Kurt. He's not going to be perfect." I glared at her. "We've been practicing just this entrance for three days!" I retorted. Elizabeth yelled over from where she was hanging from the silks, "Can we move this along?! My arms are getting tired from just hanging here all day!" I gave her a sympathetic look. She hadn't been able to move since we started that morning. "Sorry, Lizzie!" I called. "We'll get it right this time!"

Five tries later, she huffed and dropped before unfolding her wings and gliding over to where we were swinging, perching moodily on a swing currently being unused. "I'm not going to hang there all day," she muttered. "If I'm going to be bored out of my mind, I'm going to be that way comfortably." I silently agreed. It was irritating to have to run over the same trick over and over just because Werner couldn't get the entrance. The performers below us had stopped trying as well and were sitting in groups around the tent chatting. I sighed. "How about we move on for today?" I called down. Lance, who was supposed to be watching below, jolted awake. He yawned. "Did you get it?" he asked. "No, I was just suggesting we move on for the day," I answered. All of the performers, even Amanda, eagerly agreed. Werner was the only one who looked unhappy with the decision.