I Just Loved You (And I Still Do); Taegi/Taekook

❝familiarity❞

When Taehyung got home he felt miserable. He and Yoongi hadn't talked much. After Jimin had left and Yoongi had entered the living room they had stayed quiet.

It was an uncomfortable silence that weighed heavily on their dishonest shoulders and seemed to be about to push their dishonest bodies to the ground. This had been it. This had been them. As they were standing around, awkwardly and overwhelmed by the weight of everything, Taehyung thought that it had gone. Everything that had connected them. And he started to wonder if there ever had been anything that had connected them. Had made them more than a mindless affair that had never meant to be more.

Taehyung didn't care about Jimin. He seemed to not care about him either. He guessed, so it was okay. They both had stopped caring about one another so none of them could say that it was the other's fault. Taehyung thought that he was supposed to be sad about it. But when he was being honest he didn't feel anything at all. It felt like he was wrapped in cotton wool and everything around him seemed to fade into a white fog. That had been it, he thought. Sighed. Yoongi had sighed before. Had clicked his tongue, struggling for words that shouldn't be spoken. So they sighed for some time and it felt like an eternity although it hadn't been more than a few minutes. It was a different kind of eternity. The eternities shared with Yoongi used to be filled with the smell of sex and moans that made the eternity seem a bit longer, a bit more pleasant. It had been a great kind of eternity. It also was different from the ones Taehyung used to share with Jeongguk. Everything with Yoongi felt different from things with Jeongguk. Even this nothingness deep inside him. It felt strange and Taehyung wanted it to end.

"Is there something between Jimin and you?", was the first thing Taehyung asked, not because he cared about Jimin but he wanted to know it. Because there had been this presentiment that made him feel sick and all hurt. It would mean that Yoongi had lied to him.

Yoongi had focused on his feet. He hadn't dared to look up. Eventually, he spoke up, said "no" and Taehyung knew it was the truth. He just felt it. Felt like it was the truth. Maybe he just wanted to believe it really badly.

He thought about all the glances Yoongi and JImin had exchanged, all the smiles and wondered whether Yoongi was in love with Jimin. Whether he liked him the way Jimin did. Because so far he hadn't even assumed in his wildest dreams that there could have been going on between them. Jimin seemed too dreamy, too desperate for Yoongi. If there had been something he wouldn't have acted like this. Then he would have known what Yoongi's touches felt like, his hands and mouth on his skin. And Taehyung thought there couldn't have been anything. And there came a certain satisfaction with this thought.

Still, it wasn't enough to make the situation less awkward. To make their thing - them - less awkward and heavy. There was this knowledge, this knowledge that there was someone knowing about them. Someone that was connected to Jeongguk, to their friends. Too much for comfort. Jimin would surely tell Jeongguk. He would surely tell Seokjin and Namjoon and Hoseok and they would start looking at Yoongi and Taehyung in disgust, in despise because they have lied to them. Have lied to everyone and they couldn't take back what they've done, what they've said to one another and the others. They couldn't undo the lies they have told and lived.

Taehyung felt sick as he thought about it. He felt sick as he thought about the possibility of Jeongguk already knowing that he had fucked Yoongi. That he had fucked a guy Jeongguk had talked to and had laughed with. Had watched movies and eaten lunch with. And that this guy had heard his - his boyfriend's - moans, pleads and had touched him in a way only he had the right to do so.

He would break up, he thought. Jeongguk would break up and then there would be nothing left of him. Jeongguk had been everything he had been craving for, everything he had needed. What if he broke up now? He would have to move out, to find an own flat. He would have to live on his own. He would lose all of his friends. They would hate him. Everything would fall apart. Taehyung felt himself shuddering, breathing heavily at the fear. He didn't want any of these things to happen. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Everything went so so well, so why had had Jimin to destroy all of this? He took a deep breath. Reminded himself that Jimin hadn't told anyone yet. Probably.

Jimin didn't have a right to tell Jeongguk, did he? It was Taehyung's decision when - or whether at all - Jeongguk should hear about him and Yoongi, wasn't it? And besides, he didn't actually love Yoongi, did he? No, he thought. He loved Jeongguk. Only Jeongguk. That's why he couldn't let Jimin tell him. He couldn't tell Jeongguk and just destroy everything they've built up throughout the years. Jimin had no right to do so.

Taehyung sighed.

They stood in silence and didn't know what to say, let alone do. And it took them both an eternity to stop sighing and eventually looking up. Taehyung couldn't point Yoongi's gaze. It was different from all the others he had thrown at him. And then Yoongi said:" Maybe you should go" and although it was an offending phrase, something that sounded heartless and careless, Taehyung nodded, because, yeah, he was right. He should go. So he nodded. Sighed. Nodded again. Then grabbed his bag and left Yoongi's flat without looking at him. He couldn't bear it.

When Taehyung got home he felt miserable. He had been anxious all the way home. He had looked around in the subway, wondered whether anyone could see the things he had done within his eyes, within his look. Could they tell by the way he grabbed onto the stanchion and didn't dare to look at his phone because he feared he might see Jeongguk's word of finality on the screen? He had a picture of Jeongguk as wallpaper. He had taken it last year in the summer and Jeongguk's hair shined browny within the relentless sunlight that had forced them to rub up sunscreen into their pale skin. Taehyung had enjoyed the summer. He had enjoyed Jeongguk and his bunny teeth smile and the way he looked at him this way; this certain way only Jeongguk could look at him like.

The keys in his hands clinked too loudly in the deafening silence that had laid over the apartment complex and Taehyung feared Jeongguk might hear the guilt that bumped against his chest within the absence of noises. Seoul seemed to have turned silent. As if the city was bewailing the way everything had gone. Taehyung pressed the door open and he held his breath as he heard the TV in the background.

"Jeonggukkie", Taehyung voiced and broke the silence violently with his words of familiarity. And he heard the shifting as Jeongguk got up to welcome him in the hallway. Jeongguk smiled his bunny-teeth smile and Taehyung's heart throbbed at the sight of it. Of his boyfriend. Of his boyfriend he loved so much and always would come back home to.

Jeongguk smiled as he opened his arms for Taehyung to bury himself in them. It felt familiar. For a moment Taehyung was able to push today's events to the back of his mind. He sucked in Jeongguk's scent. The scent of roughness and overripe maturity. And by the way Jeongguk slung his arms around his tender frame he knew that Jimin hadn't told him. They were safe. They were still them. Everything was going to be okay.