Ang Awitin (SB19 Sejun)

[15]

"Thank you for coming tonight, SB19!"

After kong panoorin yung interview ng SB19 ay agad kong pinatay ang TV at inisip yung mga sinabi ni Paulo kanina.

Flashback...

"Ba't 'di mo sinabi sakin na nagstay ka pala dito Kath?" Nag-aalalang tanong ni Justin.

"Ayokong may nakakaalam, maliban kila mama at papa."

"Pero bakit 'di ka natuloy?"

"Edi sana 'di kita napanood? Alam mo ikaw..." agad kong binatukan si Jah.

"Pero seryoso Kath, bakit? Dahil ba kay Paulo?"

Onti-onti kong itinaas baba ang aking ulo. At saka ako ngumuso.

"Mahal mo pa?"

I decided to message Paulo on messenger since 'di ko naman na alam number niya.

Ever since that day, i lost contact of Paulo. Dahil akala ko pupunta ako sa America, pero 'di pala.

To: John Paulo Nase
Interesting interview.

From: John Paulo Nase
Why? Do you feel guilty?

Actually, ako naman talaga pinapatamaan nya dun diba? So, may rason ako para maging guilty, hindi ba?

To: John Paulo Nase
'Di ah. Gusto ko lang pag-usapan hehe.

I badly want to ask him, why? Bakit kailangan pa nyang balikan ang mga dapat 'di na balikan?

I mean, we're still friends right? Ang nakaraan, ay nakaraan na. At yung nakaraan na yun, napakasakit. Sa sobrang sakit, ayoko nang balikan pa.

From: John Paulo Nase
I'm kinda tired, pag-usapan nalang natin. Let's meet. Will send you the meet-up place.

Out of nowhere, napakunot ako ng noo. I really wanted to talk about it. Pero biglang nawala ang pagkakunot ko ng noo nang maisip ko na it's better to talk about it face to face.

To: John Paulo Nase
Okay. Rest well.

After he sent the address, I was waiting for his response to be honest, pero walang reply. Seen lang when i said Thank You. Walang goodnight or what.

Pagkagising ko ay naligo kaagad ako at nagbihis ako ng tattered jeans and plain white shirt. Nagconverse lang din ako na white and nagbun ng buhok.

'Di na 'ko kumain, dumeretso na 'ko sa sinabi nyang location. Dun nalang ako kakain since the food there is nice.

Pagkadating ko ay nag-order kaagad ako ng makakain ko. Although, naalala ko si Paulo. Has he eaten? 'Di ko alam kung anong pagkain kinakain niya.

Malay mo hotdog lang, eh wala namang hotdog dito.

I ordered him bread and coffee, pampatay lang? Char.

While i was waiting for my food, i saw him walking towards me. He still hasn't changed. Siya parin yung kilala kong Paulo. Kahit sobrang kilala na niya, he's still humble.

"Kumain ka na ba, Paulo?" I asked.

"Ah, oo." Good thing i only ordered light food for him.

"Inorderan kita ng kape tsaka tinapay. Okay na ba yun sa'yo?"

"Oo hahaha. Nakakain na 'ko."

I just nodded and there was an awkward silence. Gustong gusto kong sirain yun, but i didn't know what to say. Pinagmasdan ko nalang yung napakagandang tanawin dito.

I felt him looking at me. Ramdam ko kahit 'di ako nakatingin.

Thank goodness, pumunta na yung waitress dito. Thank you talaga ate.

"So, anong pag-uusapan natin?"

'Di ko talaga alam kung anong sasabihin o kung paano simulan 'to, "ba't mo yun kinwento sa national tv?"

"Ha?"

"Hatdog ka din, Paulo. Answer my question." I said, before taking a bite of my food.

"Bakit? Aren't you comfortable with it?"

Pucha, 'di ko alam sasabihin ko. Debate ba 'to? Binabalik sakin yung tanong eh. Tapos na nga mag-aral may gan'to padin? Jusko naman.

"Weird lang. I mean, you could've just said no."

"Alam mong ayoko magsinungaling, Kath."

"Pati yung sa song, you could've just said that you wrote that by yourself."

"I hate it when people don't give proper credits. Ayoko din gawin yun."

I didn't know what to say, i just stared at him while sipping my iced coffee.

Kung debate 'to, talo na 'ko.

"I get your point, that you're uncomfortable with it. Get straight to the point, Kath." He still hasn't changed. Nakakatakot parin talaga siya kapag nagsasalita.

"Hindi naman sa ganun. Pero, past na yun eh. Ayaw naman na natin ibalik."

Oh shit. Kathlene, bunganga mo!

"H-hindi ba?" Fuck, i messed up.

He didn't answer my question, "ikaw, matanong nga kita." And he sat up straight.

Okay, i really lost. I am scared as hell.

"Why did you stay?"

Tangina. Sabi na eh.

"A-ahhh." Bakit ba 'ko nauutal?! What the heck? Kath, strong independent woman ka!

"Gusto ko kasi mabantayan kung paano ka umangat. K-kaya ganun." Kath, nakakahiya ka. Lagi ka nalang nauutal.

Muntikan na 'ko mabulunan nang magtanong siya, "because you still love me?"

To be honest, oo. Mahal ko pa. Never naman yun nawala eh. What if i say yes? What if, masaktan ulit siya? What if, masaktan ulit ako? Or pareho kami?

Kung 'di man kami yung masaktan, pwedeng ibang tao. Like Justin.

And besides, i can't. I had to stop this.

Flashback...
I decided to call my dad whose doing business in America.

"Pa, busy ka?"

"Hindi anak, kakatapos lang ng meeting. Why? Is there something wrong?"

"Pa, i've decided."

"Is this about your education?"

"Yes po."

"What about it?"

"I'll continue to study there, abroad."

"How come you've changed your mind?"

"It's just that... nagawa ko na yung gusto kong gawin. Now, i'll just focus on my studies."

"Okay anak, let me know when you're ready. Love you."

"Love you too." And i hanged up.

"Sure ka na ba dyan, anak?"

"Nakita ko naman na syang successful, ma. Masaya na 'kong makitang umangat siya sa buhay."

She hugged me, "you're sacrificing too much, anak."

"No ma, maybe ito yung gusto kong mangyari talaga."

Hindi sa lahat ng bagay kailangan sisihin natin yung tadhana kung bakit 'di kayo nagtatagpo sa gitna. Maybe, ikaw yung may gusto na hanggang dun lang kayo. Kasi takot kayo.

Kasi inaamin ko, andami kong what if's. And i'm scared that i might get hurt again. Just like last time.

"No, i don't."