Perri and Mitch- the sixth book special to series 'Perri and Me' about Perri Kiely.

Chapter 1 Part 12

My head is exploding with thoughts. I don't think I should have told Pel to get out like that but he was really pissing me off. And I'm tired. And I'm beyond upset about everything in my life. And I know....I just KNOW something will go terribly wrong during the tour and I'm beginning to regret Danielle making me do that duet with Mitch-

And I hate myself so much! I hate it that I anticipate Mitch's phonecalls. I hate it that when he touches me it suddenly feels more pleasurable than when Pel does. I hate it that I make an effort to look good when I'm around him. I hate that it that it hurt me to say goodbye to him last night.

I'm so tired but everytime I close my eyes all I can see is a knife.

A knife....

I put my hands at the doorknob and turn it. I can see the kitchen. Just a few more steps, Amber. I can hear Perri talking to Reid in Reid's room.

"It's Christmas Eve..." He keeps saying to Reid. "Happy Christmas Eve and I love you. I love you very much."

Pain soars through my head suddenly and my vision blurs but then it focuses. It focuses on the draw where the knives are kept. I open it slowly. My fingers are numbing. But it's the only thing. It's the only thing that can get rid of the feelings.

My fingers clutched around the sharp metal gives me a sort of comfort. And I know it's stupid. And I start crying.....I'm a Mum.

And it's almost like I can hear Mum's voice telling me to stop. Reid's room door is closed. I can hear when Reid is talking to Pel.

"Mummy went away..." Reid says. "She left me. That's why I like you Daddy..."

Silent tears pour down my face. There's a pause but then I hear Pel reply.

"Don't ever say that.." Perri says. "She loves you. She loves you more than anything..."

I make my way back into my room, not letting go of the knife which has now cut deep in my palm. Then I take off all my clothes and run ice cold water in the bath, pouring every soap in the whole bathroom in it. The smells mixed together are suffocating me. But that's exactly how I like it when I'm angry.

Suffering myself.

I slide into the bath, crying harder now. I begin to slash at my arms. X's and O's. A's for my name. P's for Pel's name. R's for Reid. Then I move down to my hands. I want to cut myself deeper.

The soapy water is now tainted with my blood. The pain is sharp and hurts. But it's satisfying. I have my phone on the sink next to me. I think of smashing it but I have to suffer...not my phone.

There are more marks on my left arm than my right so I begin to draw on my left arm. I spell Mitch's name cutting deeper and deeper into my skin. By the time I get to the 'T' I feel like I might faint and the water in the bath is now red. All red. When I'm done with it, I begin to cry out in pain. I throw the knife to the other side of the bathroom.

I want to scream at the top of my voice. I locked the door to my room but I don't want Pel to find me. What would he think? And exactly what would he think of what's written on my arm? In blood.

It will heal....I'll just hide my arms till everything heals..

I choke myself under the blood stricken water. At a point, I decide I want to drown myself. How long can I keep myself completely under the water? It's all part of the plan. All part of the plan to suffer myself. To completely iradicate Mitch from my mind.

I open my eyes now and reality hits me. I sit up and see the mess I've made and start coughing up the blood, soap and water.

Then I realise I can't clean it up on my own. I pick up my phone. The bizarreness of calling Mitch to come into my bathroom on Christmas Eve doesn't seem to hit me at first. Only when I hear his voice.