No Going Back

15

Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions.
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The Art of War
Sun Tzu

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Stupid. Taehyung was absolutely fucking stupid.

He lost control. Snapped. Succumbed to his baser instincts to blur out the rage eating him alive.

Everything was his fault.

When he overthought, hesitated a fraction too long, people got hurt. When he didn't think at all, let himself be selfish, people got hurt. No matter what he did or how hard he tried to do right by everyone, people always got hurt because of him.

Taehyung should just leave, escape the confines of all duty and obligation. If he stuck around, he'd inevitably attract more trouble and put others in harm's way. That was his constant, the unavoidable truth staring back at him. But maybe if he went somewhere far away, he wouldn't have to be a liability anymore.

Maybe he could even start over.

If given the opportunity, Taehyung could leave this world behind and take the chance to rediscover himself. He'd use his newfound freedom to discover passions and to build interests, to explore strengths and to better his faults. He'd become the man he aspired to be, the man he stopped working towards when his life turned upside down three years ago.

Taehyung would give anything for that to happen. All he needed to do was leave this place and never look back.

But he couldn't go.

He wouldn't go.

No matter how appealing fleeing from this life and starting anew sounded, he'd be selfish to leave everything - and everyone - behind. He needed to stay and take accountability for his actions.

So he did.

Taehyung went to Yoongi, Chief of Security at Korean National Oil, and disclosed all of the information he'd been harboring for the last several days. No detail went uncovered, even if it might have seemed unimportant or minuscule. After that hour-long conversation with his boss, everything from Taehyung's side was out in the open.

And with all his memories finally revealed, Taehyung couldn't deny anything anymore. What he prayed was just a fantasy - an illusion of his broken mind - had to be accepted as reality. He had to face the truth, to accept his guilt and pain and sadness as emotions he needed to process - to feel.

But fuck, Taehyung was terrified. It became blatantly obvious to him how unprepared he was to deal with his suppressed suffering; he lacked the resources - the time and space - he needed to work through these emotions. So as he recounted his story to Yoongi, described the screaming and the gunshots and the blood, he yet again pushed down his anguish.

It was a harsh denial that only hurt him more.

But he masked his feelings with a cold aloofness, not wanting to appear weak or vulnerable in front of the Chief.

As Taehyung explained his past, Yoongi listened with a stoic and composed expression. He never once interrupted or asked for additional clarity; he simply absorbed everything that was said. If he was shocked to hear of Taehyung's news, it didn't show. And there was no hint of anger in his voice as he ordered Taehyung to return to his room, to remain there until they could fully debrief in the morning.

Taehyung didn't know what to make of it. He expected to be harshly reprimanded, called names, or chided endlessly. But none of that occurred; he wasn't even asked to hand over any of his ammo or guns.