No Going Back

21

Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust.
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The Art of War
Sun Tzu

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Four days passed.

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Time stretched out continuously, a road with no end in sight . . . no end in existence. Everyone was simply along for the ride, making the most of anything brought their way.

Well, everyone except Taehyung.

Four days passed and he didn't know what to do with himself.

The first day - the day Jungkook was sent away and ripped out of Taehyung's life - was the most productive. He abandoned all control, becoming nothing but a conduit for the never-ending grief, guilt, and anger. These emotions couldn't be suppressed any longer, so they clawed their way to the surface and pushed past the thorns of Taehyung's mind.

And all he could do was lower his defenses and experience the dizzying rush full force.

The grief emerged first, a deep anguish that weighed down Taehyung's bones and squeezed his heart with an unrelenting fist. Not only did he mourn the deaths of his mother and Namjoon, but now he also had to deal with the loss of Jungkook. That was three people - each of whom meant something special to him - prematurely removed from his life. Unfillable voids bloomed into existence, eradicating much of his innocence and naivete.

After the grief came the guilt. While he understood none of these events were his fault, he accepted responsibility nonetheless. He needed a culprit - someone to blame - yet had no idea who was behind this treachery. All he had was himself, the face in the mirror. So he welcomed the self-loathing, the endless amount of shame. He replayed everything over and over, retreating inward as he dreamed of going back and changing what had happened.

And finally, there was the anger, the heat flushing through his body as he asked himself why this occurred and why his family was targeted. He was possessed with the need to hit something, to release his fury in sharp bursts and mindless rages. Miraculously, he held himself back and did not inflict any physical self-harm; he knew that wouldn't solve anything. But he needed to let it out; he had to purge this outrage from his system. So he picked up a newspaper from the coffee table and ripped the pages to shreds.

After the turbulent outpouring of these emotions, Taehyung expected to feel better. Lighter. He thought some of his pain would burn off, leaving him with a refreshed mind. But rather than the clarity he craved, he felt foggy and tired. Each part of his body was exhausted and drained.

And that was just the first day.

On the second day, Taehyung woke up numb and desensitized. He lacked the capacity to do much of anything since he was still hollow from the day before. So he went through the motions, agreeing to whatever Yoongi asked of him. For starters, the two moved into the same room so the Chief could provide around-the-clock protection. Historically, Taehyung might have been agitated, but this time he didn't mind . . . He found it difficult staying in the room he once shared with Jungkook.

In such a short amount of time, they created so many memories there.

After that, Taehyung was required to sit in on the interviews for his replacement bodyguard. He understood it was less for his input and more for his protection, though Yoongi allowed him to ask the candidates questions from off-screen. He only ever had one: Have you ever shot anyone, and if not, could you do it?

Most of the candidates said they could do it no problem, though Taehyung remained skeptical. He knew firsthand how impossible that question was to answer unless you'd personally been in that type of scenario.