No Going Back

33

Hence his victories bring him neither reputation for wisdom nor credit for courage.
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The Art of War
Sun Tzu

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Five minutes had passed since driving off from the orchard, and for the entire time, Jungkook could only think of one thing: His hero betrayed him.

His brother, his best friend, and his role model of more than two decades took every ounce of trust bestowed upon him and twisted it into something so unrecognizable, so ugly, that Jungkook started to question his own judgment. He wondered if he missed the signs growing up, if he inadvertently ignored the true nature of the person he looked up to most. He wondered if he foolishly put Namjoon on a pedestal, if he let his own love blind him against the truth.

Jungkook wondered if he unwittingly created a faux persona for his brother, if the honorable image he had of that man was nothing more than a delusion of his mind.

Fuck, that was what he did, wasn't it? He let himself believe in an illusion of his own making all because he was so desperate for a loving parental figure. He idolized the only person who ever supported or nurtured him, choosing to overlook perceived flaws and make excuses for him instead. But this time, there were no excuses. No amount of denial or ignorance could take back what had been done.

The hero Jungkook once knew was gone, shattered by the reality of who his brother actually was:

An incorrigible liar.

A vindictive criminal.

A manipulative traitor.

As much as he wanted to give Namjoon the benefit of the doubt, Jungkook understood that wasn't possible. It would've been one thing if his brother had rematerialized from the dead, citing valid reasons for laying low in order to protect his loved ones and former charge. But it was another thing entirely for his brother to magically reappear in the middle of a shootout, use violence to knock Jungkook unconscious, handcuff him to a car, and threaten the love of his life. No, that couldn't be brushed off with a charming smile and half-assed attempt at an explanation.

It couldn't be brushed off at all.

So, left with nothing but the remnants of his broken trust, Jungkook allowed his perception of Namjoon to shift. He pushed back the fond memories of their childhood together so he could accept the fact that he no longer knew his brother. Because of the actions displayed today, he had to admit that Namjoon was a stranger to him.

And that fucking hurt.

There was a gaping hole in the center of his chest, the place where he once housed his unconditional love, unshakable respect, and unwavering faith in his brother. It left him feeling numb and empty, like an essential part of his livelihood was forever removed and gone. And with each inhale and exhale, that loss grew bigger and more suffocating, reminding Jungkook that something irreplaceable was missing.

And while every self-preserving thought screamed at Jungkook to consider the alternatives, he just couldn't. He wouldn't subject himself to silly rationalizations or naive what-if scenarios to fill the void that Namjoon left. He wouldn't pretend there was a pretty story that would answer all of his questions and restore his brother to that lofty position of his hero. It would tear him apart to hold out hope, so instead, he let the desolation settle into his chest.

For one . . . two . . . three . . . breaths, that was all Jungkook knew. The betrayal. The devastation. The despondency. Those responses to the morning's events caused his shoulders to cave in, his heart to slow to a sluggish rate, his mind to fill with dooming thoughts. For three breaths, he allowed his sorrow to rule each one of his logical senses.