No Going Back

20

Order or disorder depends on organization; courage or cowardice on circumstances; strength or weakness on dispositions.
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The Art of War
Sun Tzu

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Jungkook had never been in love.

It's wasn't that he didn't want to offer up his heart, to fully break down his walls and bear his soul unconditionally. It wasn't that he didn't believe in love or doubted the magnitude of its power. It wasn't any of those things, because he did believe love existed and he did want to share himself with another.

Jungkook very much wanted to fall in love.

But growing up in a broken home changed his perspective. He witnessed first hand how love could go wrong. He observed how his mother's unrequited love for a different man caused her to be angry and bitter around her family. He watched as his father used alcohol to forget the love he felt for his wife. And, very rarely, he even saw Namjoon use love to coerce Jin when they had arguments.

Because of all this, Jungkook chose to keep others at a distance. He wanted to do anything possible to protect himself from getting hurt.

He still craved intimacy and human touch, of course, so he decided just to forgo the commitment piece of the puzzle. He didn't need an emotional connection. The physical side, he thought, should have been enough. So he began hooking up with guys when he was sixteen, always warning them that he didn't want a relationship. He preferred to keep things casual; that way, he didn't have to risk heartache and pain.

And while he never seriously dated, he held onto the dream of finding someone to love him . . . Someone for him to love. The right person would be patient and understanding of his past, not in any particular rush to force commitment. That person would always work on bettering their relationship, knowing that love itself was not enough - a successful partnership needed dedication and open communication. And that person would show him that it was okay - preferential, even - to be vulnerable and would be vulnerable in return.

Naturally, this idea scared the shit out of him. Though he never gave up on this wish; he looked forward to meeting someone he'd want to take that leap of faith with.

But then Jungkook was forced into hiding and his entire life paused. All the grand plans he had - going off to college, discovering himself, maybe even giving a relationship a try - dissipated just like his freedom. The cage locked around him, providing no escape from his negative father, the oppressive memories of his house, or the lonely solitude.

Though he didn't complain . . . Well, he tried not to, at least. Keeping a low profile benefited both him and Namjoon, ensuring they'd each be as safe as possible. So he listened to his brother's directives, essentially sheltering in place so enemies couldn't use him as bait.

And for three years, Jungkook patiently awaited the chance to live his own life.

But after everything, his diligence didn't even matter. His entire world shattered as his brother was unceremoniously ripped out of his life, nothing more than the product of an ambush gone wrong. When Jin called to let him know what had happened . . . Jungkook's heart splintered and fractured in his chest. Each shallow inhale he took caused the shards to poke his ribs, so much so he found it easier not to breathe. Grief raged through his veins; his limbs were heavy with the weight of his loss.

Mentally, Jungkook wasn't in a good place.

So with all of that taking a toll on his mind, body, heart, and soul, he never anticipated meeting someone who would come into his life and challenge all he once believed. He never expected to open his wounded heart, to allow someone to peer inside and see its ruins and tatters and tears.