I'm sorry (Jaspar Fanfiction)

Chapter 13

Joes POV-
I woke up and found no warmth around me.
"Caspar!" I called out frantically.
No reply.
I suddenly got worried. Had he actually left me? No, no he wouldn't do that. My eyes brimmed with tears, I didn't allow them to fall. My body was still weak, I didn't want that feeling to take over. I just cuddled back into the blanket and reflected. Suddenly it hit me. Or a flash of light hit me. I turned over and faced my phone. Slowly picking it up, I mentally slap myself. The screen it filled with a name.
Caspar
His name filled up my screen.
2 missed calls, 3 text messages.
I held the phone to my ear, holding my breath, I waited for a response.
"Joe?" Caspar said with a hint of concern. I hear cars honking in the background.
"Hey," I said calmly and exhausted. Sleep felt amazing last night and I did not want it to end.
"Long how have you been up for?" He questioned.
"Couple of minutes," I said closing my eyes again.
"You know it's 13 o'clock right (a/n is that how British time works? I think idk, it means 1pm), and you just got up?" He said laughing a little.
I turned over, I guess it was that late. Well wasn't planning on doing anything today anyways.
"That's okay," I said yawning into the phone.
"I'll be home soon okay? I love you." He said. I could picture grinning like an idiot, maybe even blushing a little bit too. Maybe getting looks from people on the streets.
"I love you too," I said and turned off my phone.
I laid back down and closed my eyes. Letting the darkness take over me once again.
*****
The bed shifting startled me and I shot up, my eyes looking around. I felt a hand on my shoulder which made me jump even more.
"Hey it's okay," a voice said. I looked over and see Caspar. Who was now leaning now against my headboard.
"Oh it's just you," I whispered letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in. I leaned against his chest and looked up. I looked into his eyes and soon felt his lips on mine.
"Morning," he said quietly laughing.
"Where did you go?" I asked curious.
"Just shopping. I was hoping you wouldn't wake up before I got home," he said looking down. "Do you want some food?"
I knew where this was going. Caspar had that look in his eyes, I wasn't ready to talk, I didn't want to ruin this moment. I was terrified of telling him, thoughts filled my mind with the possible outcome. Many were not helpful on my side.
"I-I'm good. Thanks t-though," I said trying to calm my breath.
He kissed me again slowly.
"We have to talk sometime. I just want the truth, I won't get mad or anything, I won't leave you. You have nothing to be afraid of," he said calming to me.
"Promise?" I asked facing him now.
"I promise," he said.
It was now or never. Here it goes...
"When you started hanging out with Gaby, I felt miserable. We slowly starting talking less and less. I felt alone and lost. No one was there for me," I felt the tears fall down my face. I can't believe I'm doing this. "I thought when you went to move in with her, it was your way of telling me that we were over. No longer roommates, and more importantly no longer best friends." I breathed in shakily, trying to control my breathing. It was no use. "I planned on" I breathed in. "Killing myself for a long time. Slowly all of my other friends left. Like I was nothing. Even Zoe, she never talks to me anymore. I felt so alone Caspar, and it was the scariest thing ever," Tears were falling faster now. "Soon everyone just stopped. No calls, no communication at all, I could stop pretending to be happy around them. Then I left my channel. I was lacking quality and they deserve 10 times better then me. I felt like I was a disappointment to them. So I left, my channel is still up, just no new videos." I was in too deep to stop now. "I was just a waste a space. I stood at that bridge, accepting and embracing death. The darkness was soothing. It was better then living in that scary lonely state, plus it was what I deserved. I needed to die Caspar, I didn't deserve to live, I-I don't even know if I deserve it now. The feeling of being completely alone was honesty the most scared I have ever been! I-I don't want t-that again.." I lock eyes with him. Staring into them. "I'm sorry, I'm so so so sooo sorry Caspar, but I-I started self-harming," those were the last words I said before breaking down, sobbing. He held me in his arms.
Pathetic was the only word running through my head.
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it will get fluffier I promise!
Hope everyone enjoys!