𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑

Chapter 25

good ol' long chapter explaining a bit about what happened in the time skip

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SELF HARM
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Kairi started cutting himself about two months after his mom died, he tried to keep it from Mattia for as long as possible but Mattia could still vividly recall the day he found out about what Kairi had been doing to himself.

Flashback........

"Hey babe"

"Hey Mattia"

"You ok? You sound like you've been crying"

Kairi instantly tried to give Mattia his best smile, but Mattia saw right through it.

"What's wrong Kai?"

"It's nothing Mattia, I'm fine"

"You're lying baby, just tell me"

Mattia tried to keep his words calm and gentle but Kairi didn't usually keep anything from him and he had seemed "off" for the past few days.

"Just drop it Mattia, please"

"No. I'm not gonna drop this Kairi. What's going on with you"

Despite his best efforts, Mattia felt himself begin to get slightly angry.

"Fucking drop it Mattia. I'm fine"

Kairi stood up to leave the room but Mattia gripped his wrist to try and prevent him from leaving. Kairi let out an involuntary hiss of pain as Mattia grabbed his wrist. Mattia's eyes widened but he didn't let go.

"Fuck, let me go Mattia"

"I didn't even grab you that hard Kairi, that didn't hurt you, stop playing with me"

Kairi had tears in his eyes now as he tried to delicately get his wrist out of Mattia's grasp.

"Mattia, you're hurting me. Let me go"

Mattia scoffed slightly, not realizing how much pain Kairi was in.

"You're telling me that this is hurting you"

Kairi nodded, biting his lip as a few tears fell onto his flushed cheeks. Mattia realized that Kairi was being serious and he loosened his grip but didn't let go.

"What, did I leave a mark or something?"

Mattia quickly used his other hand to push Kairi's sleeve up, Kairi hissed in pain again and Mattia gasped. Kairi's wrist and the back of his hand were covered in red scratches, some more bloody than others. Mattia instantly understood the gravity of the situation and he let go of Kairi's hands.

"Kairi-I-baby, no- Why?"

Mattia felt his stomach drop and a lump in his throat as Kairi quickly pulled his sweater sleeves over his hands, furiously wiping at his eyes.

"I didn't want you to find out Mattia. Why couldn't you fucking d-drop it when I asked?"

"You didn't want me to find out? Kairi I could've tried to help you before this even started, why didn't you tell me that you felt like this, we could've talked"

"Why? So you could've given me a look of pity and apologized to me? Mattia my pain is the one thing that I can control in my life. I couldn't control it when m-my mom died. I couldn't control it when Ryan and his friends beat the shit out of me for being gay. I can't control anything in my own fucking life. But pain, I can control it. I can control, this.

Kairi pulled his sleeves up again, shoving his arms in Mattia's face, causing the taller boy to flinch. Both boys had tears running down their face and as Kairi finished his rant, he broke down sobbing.

"Kairi. You have to tell me these kinds of things. I could've helped you I-"

"Why should I have told you, hmm?"

"Because I fucking love you Kairi! Because what if you went too deep on one of those scratches, or what if you cut the wrong place or something. Kairi I don't want to lose you. We're supposed to tell each other things like this. We're supposed to help each other. The fact that you've done this to yourself fucking terrifies me Kairi. It scares me so much because I love you so goddamn much Kairi and if I ever lost you I-. I'm supposed to protect you from stuff like this. I promised that I was going to marry you one day. Remember that? I still mean that shit. I love you so fucking much and I-I I don't even know Kairi.

Mattia ended his rant because he couldn't stop the tears that were flowing down his face. Kairi had gone silent and now the two boys were just staring at each other. After a few moments of silence, Kairi finally spoke.

"I-I'm sorry Mattia, I-"

"No, don't apologize Kairi. C'mere"

Mattia gently pulled Kairi into his chest and they sank down to the floor. Both boys were uncontrollably sobbing. After a while, both boys were calmer, just breathing with each other. Mattia eventually took Kairi's wrist, gently inspecting the shallow cuts on his hands. Kairi flinched as Mattia's thumbs ran over the lines.

"Talk to me Kairi"

Kairi took a shaky breath, clenching his hands and digging his nails into his palms.

"It's too much Mattia. I just hurt all the time. It never ends. I was happy-I-I am happy, with you but the pain is always there, and it w-won't go away. When I put that blade on my skin though, everything else goes away. I don't think about anything other than the burning on my hands and it feels so-so-I don't know, freeing. I know I'm weak and-and I know you're mad at me but I really didn't mean to do that much. It's just- once I started, I couldn't stop and I-I-"

Kairi looked up to see Mattia with his eyes shut tightly, trying to hold back tears. Kairi felt a pang of guilt as he realized that he was the reason why Mattia was crying.

"I'm sorry Mattia, I'm s-sorry"

Mattia shook his head softly before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes and offering Kairi a soft smile.

"No. No Kairi. You are hurting right now and that's ok, never apologize for having emotions."

"You're not mad at me?"

"No baby, I'm not mad. Just talk to me next time. Tell me when you feel like this and we can do something fun, or we can talk, whatever you want to do. But please Kairi just talk to me because you scared me ok?"

"Ok"

End of flashback.........

SInce that day, Kairi had confessed to cutting himself an additional twelve times, Mattia remembered every single time that he had found out or that Kairi had confessed to him. Kairi now had scars crisscrossing the front and backs of his arms as well as on his thighs; even a few on his stomach. Mattia leaned on the counter and thought about all of the times that Kairi had promised to never hurt himself again.

He was three months clean. But you fucked that up Mattia.
I know.
I hate myself for it.

Mattia had tried to convince Kairi to see a therapist but the other boy was absolutely against the idea. Mattia remembered the days when Kairi was happy, before his mom died, before Ryan happened, before Celia, before they were even dating. When Kairi would wear stuff other than hoodies and sweats, and he would laugh with his angelic voice. Mattia started to cry a little harder while still trying to be silent so as not to wake Kairi who was sleeping in the other room.
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damn this got kinda sad

might delete this book cuz the ending is kinda shit