Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Daydreams

A/N: I already had this and another thing typed up and ready to go. I'm hoping that I after I've published these "ready" chapters, I'll be able to write others, but I don't know what kind of mood I'll be in on Sunday. We're likely going to be hearing more about what happened to our friend in church, so I may be too upset to write that day. Just warning everyone in advance.

We're gonna stay on a rabbit trail for just a bit longer so I can get something off my chest.

I find it hard to talk to people about this, especially my family, so this is actually the first time I'm actually going to be telling someone. I guess I feel comfortable saying it because no one reading this will know me. Unless my family for some reason decides to hop on Wattpad and happen to come across some of the stories I've shared in the comment sections of some of the stories I've read. Pretty sure they could put the pieces together then. But the odds of that are pretty low.

So.... I sometimes have these daydreams that feel really, REALLY real. They always start because I'm bored and just lying around, or when I'm doing something I can do on autopilot, like showering, and they start out nice. In them, I usually meet my favorite fictional characters or have superpowers or I'm doing something that my anxiety normally would prevent me from doing. But then they always get to the point where I can't control what's happening in them. This doesn't usually bother me as it means less mental work, but I definitely don't think it's exactly normal to not be able to control your daydreams. (It's weird, I can usually control my dreams, but I can't always control my daydreams. I think my brain's got it backwards.)

...And, uh, a few days ago, I had a daydream where I was a hybrid, with German Shepard ears and tail. Not surprising, seeing as I've been a reading kick where every other fanfic I read has hybrids in them. What is surprising is that two nights ago, I was suddenly aware that it felt like if I reached up, I'd feel dog ears. I actually had to touch my hair twice to assure myself that I did not have dog ears. Even sitting here typing this, I can feel the ears and tail on me. I know that they aren't there, but my brain is trying to tell me they are.

It's not the first time I've gotten these fixed ideas that I can't shake. When I was in sixth or seventh grade, I was at home alone (I was homeschooled, siblings weren't; long story) while my mom was out grocery shopping. All of a sudden, I got the weird, creepy crawly sensation like I was being watched. And there was a huge sliding glass door right next to me. So I just moved to my room upstairs. The feeling persisted, even though I was no longer in front of a window. I went back downstairs. I couldn't shake the feeling. I ended up calling my mom in tears begging her to come home. When she got back, I was curled up on the couch with the afghan pulled over me, and I made sure to be facing the window. The feeling went away soon after my mom came back. To this day, though, I can't be in front of a window without feeling like I'm being watched. It annoys my sister sometimes it affects where I can sit in restaurants and anywhere really. I think my brother puts up with it, but I think my parents understand, especially my dad. I need my back to be against a wall. I get really panicky if I can't sit or stand like that.

What does this mean, if anything? Is it just a sign of a really active imagination, or is something wrong? Sorry, I don't mean to turn this into my personally diary. But if anyone has answers, I would be grateful to hear them.

I'm not always a complete mess, I promise. I've just been experiencing a lot of things lately that have been making me feel even more isolated from everyone else than normal. I'm the black sheep of the family and it sometimes feels like there's no way we could be related with how different I am from them.

For example:

I loooooooooove conlanging. It is amazing. I even have a conlanging playlist on my phone, consisting of songs that help me focus the best. (I always need music in the background. Side effect of being home alone while mom went out every week for groceries, I guess.) My family smiles and nods when I try to talk about it, if that. My brother calls me crazy for liking languages so much, and my sister has actively attacked my conlanging on several occasions, saying I'll never finish any before I die, that they aren't even languages, which she claims is backed up by linguistics saying that a language has to be spoken among more than one person. But, fyi, David Peterson, a linguist himself, made it clear in no uncertain terms in his book The Art of Language Invention (which is what introduced me to conlanging in the first place), that a conlang is a real language. So her argument is invalid. Not that she cares.

I also have the bad habit of randomly announcing factoids and trivia bits that I learn, as well as just weird ways of thinking. Like when my mom, sister, and I were going to the Amish stores, I randomly said, "Cinnamon is just tasty sawdust." I'd seen that on Pinterest and my mom and sister were talking about spices and it came out before I could stop myself. I know my sister gets annoyed by it, and I've annoyed an impressive number of zoo and aquarium goers, and I feel bad because I always feel like a jerk, but it comes bubbling out and I get so excited when I learn something new that I feel like I have to share it with SOMEBODY, but no one else in my family appreciates it, so...I guess it just builds up inside me until the pressure's too much and it erupts like a geyser.

...How does this even relate to the daydream issue? I think I'll stop before I take us down any further rabbit trails XD