Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Sensory

So, I've said a lot about my synesthesia, so let's take a slightly different track and try to work out SPD.

So, we first discovered my sensory when I was in fourth grade, while I was getting OT. I don't even remember why I was in OT. (At least I think that's the order it happened in. Maybe it was someone else who discovered it and that's why I was in OT.) All I really remember was loving the spinning and the big structure you could climb around on and that had a pit filled with pillows you could leap into. And I remember being furious that I could no longer spin without getting dizzy. They stole it from me. (Yes, I'm still bitter.) Anyways, they were the ones who gave me my diagnosis of sensory processing disorder. Back then, I still thought it was cool.

Poor, sweet, innocent nine year old me. SPD is 100% not cool. It's misery. Everyone's at the playground and you want to hang with your friends but the hot equipment feels like it's burning you through your clothes? Check. Hearing annoying sounds that no one else can hear but that cause you physical discomfort or pain? Check. Hating showers because your face gets wet? Check. No one understanding or sometimes not even believing you? Check.

I've gotten to the point that I can touch playground equipment without the burning-me-through-my-clothes sensation, but I still don't like it. And I prefer swinging to all other things. Why play tag when there's a swing set? I use swinging as a way to help regulate me. It grounds me and brings me back to self. You can imagine what happened to me at the beginning of the shutdown. Not fun. (NOT POPULAR OPINION. RANTING. "~~~" WILL MARK THE END OF THIS SECTION. NOT ATTEMPTING TO ARGUE; JUST TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED IN MY OWN VIEW.) It got to the point where I had to choose between my sanity, or the slight risk of somehow picking up a virus only about as serious as the flu. I chose my sanity.

When I got there, I was half-disappointed and half-relieved. The caution tape had been ripped down by the wind, which meant that I didn't get to do it. I've always wanted to swat caution tape down and walk through the now-opening. But I was also relieved that I could honestly tell anyone who had issue that I didn't take it down. There was also a sign saying the play equipment was closed. Someone ripped it down. >:) It had to be a person because the wind wouldn't have ripped the tape as well and left the paper without rips. It's back open again, but I stopped caring about the city's official edicts about whether it was open or closed long ago.

~~~

I learned years ago that I just to accept that people wouldn't understand my SPD. My fifth grade teacher (before I was homeschooled) even thought I was behavior-based, not neurological. I've stopped even hoping people will understand. I've only met one, two, maybe three others who've had sensory to some degree, outside of my family, in which case I have it the worst.

I have it the worst because not only did I inherent it from my mom (who got it from my grandpa), I as also born with a lack of oxygen, which apparently can cause it, so I got the double whammy.

Most days, it's not that bad. Just annoying smells and sounds that I have to deal with. over the years I've learned what things make me reactive, what I just simply dislike, and what I can't live without.

Crowds are awful. Loud noises, overwhelming amounts of motion, it's not fun. Sensory overload. Any time we go on vacation and visit an area with crowds, like Disneyworld in Florida, or Manhattan in NYC, I break down into tears. I just can't handle it. I saw an Avengers fanfic on here where Peter gets "sensory overload" (I assume because of the spidey sense) and I was just like "that's...not...really...right". The author described his sensory overload as his light being too bright and his aunt's voice being to high and him just wanting to sit in silence with the lights off. But the thing is, that doesn't just come out of the blue. You aren't just sitting there and suddenly, "Oh, ow! That light's way too bright!" No, something has to happen to put you into a reactive state and then that might happen. For me, I never get sensory overload without first experiencing auditory and/or visual chaos. Sometimes smells also play a part. But we live somewhere where the biggest crowd you'll ever get is Fourth of July fireworks people. I can manage that to get the awesome sight, sound, and feel of large explosives being blasted high into the air and blowing apart into glorious sparks of light. Crowds also suck because of my claustrophobia, but that's another matter entirely.

The smell of paint gives me migraines. My dad's really sensitive to smells too, so I likely got some sensory stuff from him, too. My dad's thing is popcorn. If we make microwave popcorn at home, it has to be early in the day after he's gone to work so that the smell has the least possible chance of bothering him as possible. He once joked that he needed a shirt for walking into the theater that read "If you can read this shirt, I could puke on you". Kinda gross, but that's just how strongly it affects him. And that's how strongly paint affects me.

Fur is the most amazing thing ever. Our poor cats. I have a habit of scooping them up unexpectedly when I need some "fuzz therapy". I'll run my arms along their backs, I'll bury my face in their fur, I hold them close to me. Just...fur fur fur. always more fur. I love anything soft. When we walk through the store, I'm constantly touching things. I can't help it. Walk through the yarn? Touch all the softest ones. Pillows? Gotta touch the fluffy, soft ones. Couches? Chairs? Which ones feel nice? I like that one, ew ew ew no not that one gross, ooooh yeeeesss this is the one.

Texture is vital to me. Case in point: I would rather have sunburn all over my entire body than to touch or allow sunscreen to touch me. I hate it with a seething passion. It's cold, slimy, and greasy and you can't get it off. I only give in to sunscreen when we swim because I know the water will wash it off in a few minutes, so I just need to hang in there for a few minutes, just hang in there and don't cry because it'll all come off soon. It's hard to not cry though, because even after it's worked in, I feel it all over my arms and legs. I refuse to put it on my face. (I don't even feel that sunburn anymore. I actually don't feel any sunburn anymore.) I have a swim shirt and swim shorts, which help cut down on how much I have to put up with. I don't understand all you women out there wearing two piece suits. HOW CAN YOU STAND TO PUT ON THAT MUCH SUNSCREEN??????

Also, the texture of food is vitally important. I'm a very picky eater and refuse to eat many things because of texture. Btw, is it just me, or has anyone else experienced physical pain by eating peas and/or corn? And carrots? When I was younger, like six or seven, my parents were trying to get us to try some of these things, but with each of these, I took one bite and it felt like needles had been shoved into the roof of my mouth. So I'd instantly spit it back out. Each time, I was forced to stay at the table until I finished. We ate dinner around 6:00 most nights and it would be 7:30 and I would be bawling, in pain, and ready to gag to get rid of the thing causing me pain. No one in my family understands or believes that it was actual pain, not just I-don't-wanna or a difference of this kind of pea versus this kind that has a bit of a snap. I'm staring to wonder if I'm crazy because of things like that. I've never touched them since and, if I can help it, I never will again. I don't trust that I won't feel the pain.

Most days, though, I'm just...normal? Can I even use that word, or should I say grounded? 'Cause I'm definitely not normal. As much as I wish it, I can't turn my SPD off ever. I always have it. It's always guiding me. It's always causing me to hear and see little things others would pass over. Having heightened senses is usually a curse, but sometimes, it's a blessing. I'm still trying to determine if I can hear snow falling on the ground around me, lying in the snow. If I stay quiet, listening, I'll start to hear this faint noise, but I can't tell if it's my ears starting to ring or the snow. I'm unsure because normally, when my ears ring, they go into full-blown static-red ringing. The sound of the snow is small gray dots on a white background. Sorry I can't explain them any better than that.