Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Reactive

Okay, so quick note: sorry I didn't update yesterday. I went to get lunch and it started raining and I love the rain and always feel drawn to it so I went to sit on the porch until it stopped. After I came back in, I noticed that my mom was watching a show I've been intrigued in ever since she began watching it while I was still being homeschooled (I became so interested because I could hear it, but I rarely ever saw it), so I joined until it ended. And then I started getting really reactive and so we decided to go shopping to try and help me. By the time I was feeling like I could start writing again, it was way too late.

Anyways, it gave me the topic for today: what I mean when I say "reactive".

So, when I get reactive, one of the first things you'll notice is I can't sit still. If I'm sitting on a couch, I usually lay on my side and rock. But I do this a lot anyways without even realizing it, so it usually isn't until I start making squeaky-type sounds that anyone notices. Those become the only sounds I can make. And I'll suddenly sit bolt upright. I'll reach out to the cats and "catnap" them, much to their displeasure, and bury my face into their fur. I'll start bouncing in my seat. I'll twist myself into strange, uncomfortable positions. I can't get into any position that feels "right". I find myself both craving and flinching away from touch. I want to be touched, but then it feels all wrong. I sometimes start spinning. I bump up against walls as I go past them to feel contact of some sort.

Being reactive isn't fun for me. I still feel the same inside, but everything I do suddenly feels alien. I feel like I can't control myself because I can't give myself what my body's asking for. I don't even always know what my body's asking.

Sometimes I become reactive because of an upset in my routine. Take this morning for example: we weren't supposed to have anyone come over for renovations today, but someone came over anyway for about an hour to install something. I instantly wanted to hide, but even while I was hiding, it all felt wrong. Even the air felt wrong all of a sudden. My brother noticed me and reached out to touch my arm and I pulled away. I wanted him to touch my arm because I felt like I needed it but at the same time it felt wrong so I couldn't let him.

I get so frustrated because it's so hard to express what's happening even to myself so my explanations to others are never stellar. And most of the time I don't even know why I'm getting reactive or anything. I'll just be lying or sitting there and my nerves say "time to wish you were dead from annoyance and confusion!"

My mom says that my rocking, leg shaking, and bouncing are all just me "seeking input", but I feel like there's a difference from just my usual, calm rocking and my nothing-feels-right-and-when-I-stand-up-I-wanna-rip-the-skin-off-my-back-so-it-stops-feeling-weird rocking. The first one is "seeking input." The second one is a living nightmare of "WHAT THE FLIP FLOP DO YOU EVEN WANT FROM ME??????????????????"

I wish I understood all of what happens when I get reactive and why. I wish I could sense when the non-event-triggered reactive times are coming. I wish I understood how to give my body what it needs so it would just stop already.