Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Selective Mutism

I decided to write a chapter on this topic because I've encountered a lot of places where it isn't fully understood, so I wanted to write something that would spread awareness.

Selective mutism, despite the name, is when someone who ordinarily can talk suddenly can't. It can be experienced in lots of different ways: some can still force themselves to talk if they have to, but it is extremely hard for them, some can't speak but can still write stuff down or use sign language, and some can't communicate at all.

I usually fall into the middle category. I can still sign and write or type stuff, but no words will form no matter how hard I try to make them come. If it's really bad, I'm more like the ones who can't even write something down or even nod or shake my head.

When I was younger, my mom would call a "shutdown". At times yes. Others no. There were lots of times I would want to say something but I physically couldn't. In fact, I first heard the term selective mutism on Pinterest. After doing some research, I discovered that I had it. I find myself going non-verbal when I get anxious and panicky more than any other time.

But then there are also times when I'll realize I've gone non-verbal because I'm about to say something but then my brain tells me 'shush no talking' so I don't say anything. This makes me feel really lonely when it happens because the other half of my brain goes 'it's okay! Just sign what you were going to say!' And then I'll lift my hands to start only to remember that I'm the only one who knows sign language. My mom knows some signs, but it's been so long since she took classes that she doesn't remember a whole lot and many of the signs have changed. And no one else in my family is very excited to learn. *sighs in muteness*

Jk, I'm not mute right now. 🙃 I almost was when I had to tell my mom about the data breach on here. But instead I only cried. In front of her. When I first felt the tears coming it was like 'oh great KMN' but hey! I got through the whole thing! And survived! 😅 (By the way, I have this almost-phobia about crying in front of people. I find it one of the most embarrassing things ever.)

Wow. I don't think I've ever been as open as I am writing this book. I tend to internalize everything and I'm not really all that big on sharing stuff. Although others seem to have no problems ranting to me. I've learned how to half-listen half-read (or half-write etc.) because they'll just suddenly be like 'time to rant about every millisecond that occurred today!' Yay! Fun! (Sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.)

Anyways. See you tomorrow and I hope none of you were affected by the data breach. And pray that I'll be able to survive the process of doing whatever it is that needs to be done with my email now that it's been pwned! 😩