Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Overload

So, I figure that those who don't experience sensory overload might find it difficult to understand what it's like. I'm gonna try my best to explain it, but you know how my explanations go 🙃

So, let's start with how it starts.

When I begin to go into overload, I don't usually know that I'm going into overload. If it's a minor situation, it's usually just irritation at first. Like a fly buzzing in your ear that you can't shoo away. I'll find myself mentally snapping at everyone to just shut up and I respond with a hasty "I don't know!" to any question I get asked. After that, I usually start going non-verbal, but I know that I could force myself to talk if I had to. Sometimes, the gap between these "stages" is almost non-existent. I also start scratching my arms, which is when my family first notices something's wrong. Lately, I've been able to catch myself and just rub my arms, but only because I got tired of my parents grabbing my hands away when all I'm trying to do is make myself feel better. Yes, I make my arms red. Yes, if I do it hard enough I could get an infection. But I've never even broken the skin, which is the one thing they always tell me will happen. I can usually recover pretty quickly after this. I'm still in control of my thoughts and actions in these situations.

If it's any other situation, I skip the irritation and go straight into being non-verbal. And this time, I can't talk no matter how much I try or might want to. I scratch my arms and often can't stop, even if I know my parents are gonna try to make me. Sometimes it's so bad I bite my arms. The first time my mom saw me do that, it scared her really bad and she started lecturing me about self-harm. I tried explaining that biting myself like that somehow activates a nerve or whatever that sends a message to my brain saying "ok, i'm safe now. all is good" She didn't understand (I tried explaining while still really worked up, so that might be why) and she told me I couldn't do it anymore. Now I only do it if I can hide it the next time I'm among people. But there are also times when all I do is cry and act a lot younger than I really am, which can really annoy my dad. Either way, I have little control over my thoughts or actions and react of instinct.

Example of the later: I must've been 7 at the time. I don't remember where we were, but it was somewhere with like this Frankenstein-head type thing that would growl or whatever every so often. We went up in this Ferris Wheel. I made fun of it like my siblings were doing. We get back down to the ground. I hear one of the growl things. I start crying and running away from it. My parents had to each hold an arm to keep me from running off (it was really late and super dark). My dad was annoyed because only five minutes ago I'd been making fun of it and now I was crying. (Note: I think my dad is the kind of person who only thinks you should cry if you're physically hurt. I've never tried to talk to him about it. I just try to hold back emotional- and mental-pain tears back until I'm alone.) My mom kept trying to say it was just because it was late, but I knew it wasn't. At the time, I didn't know what it was, so I just thought there must be something wrong with me.

Lately, I've determined some major triggers for my sensory overload: chaos. Visual, auditory, and olfactory chaos all play a part in me going into overload.

Example: When we could get to my grandma's house after it got flooded, there was debris (by the way, I hate that word's spelling), huge, loud fans in the house, and this strong after-water scent that was almost most dirt smell than water. When I stepped out of the car, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do or anything. I wanted to help, but it was like I thinking it from anvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv TUUUUUUUJUII (sorry; cat on keyboard) an out of body experience. I did things without any thoughts. It was like the chaos was making it impossible for me to have thoughts. I ended up having to go back home because I wasn't able to do anything without getting in someone's way and I just couldn't function at all. I also went totally non-verbal.

Well, that's my experience with sensory overload. Feel free to share anything you experience as well!