Me, My Sensory, and My Synesthesia

Uhhhh, I Got No Clue?

So, I guess I should try to explain more of my sensory processing disorder. I know I haven't really talked a lot about it, but I think it's because it's just simply harder to put it into words than my synesthesia, which sounds backwards.

I think I'll start with how I used to react, back when I was still little.

I remember a lot of times when I'd be feeling just fine one moment and then something happened and I became the epitome of un-fine. Like, when I was in VBS at our church, our youth pastor had a way to get everyone's energy worn out while letting us earn points for our team. He'd have a basketball in his hand and he'd throw it up in the air. When the ball left his hands, we were supposed to scream as loud as we could and then stop when he was holding it again. I always liked doing it, but preferred when he'd barely let it leave his hand, making us all sound like we were scream-hiccupping. I disliked when it went up really high and I'd always shrink down in my seat. But then there was one time, he didn't quite catch it and it rolled down the aisle instead and so, because it wasn't in his hand yet, everyone was still screaming. I remember slapping my hands over my ears and crying because it was just too much. I didn't scream at all the rest of that day, which annoyed all of my teammates around me.

I remember wanting to play with my friends on the playground equipment at school but touching it and instantly jumping backward because it felt like it had burned me. I remember not being able to focus on the teacher when anyone in the class was talking and feeling a rage building up inside me, where I wanted to stuff my shoe in their mouth to make them shut up so I could hear what the teacher was saying, even though we were on opposite sides of the room.

After my parents began homeschooling me, I was able to control my reactions a bit better and not start crying or screaming at some poor innocent person, but only because I could just go find a cat. One of our cats would love to sit next to me on an afghan draped over a chair, so she was almost always nearby. After we had to put her down, our other cat took her place. But only for a few months. We think she had kidney failure, but the vets couldn't tell us for sure. I miss them both so much. It was hard, those few months between those cats and our current cats. I'd literally never known a life without cats until that time and not having my fuzz therapy was really hard on me. I didn't realize just how much I'd relied on those kitty-girls to help me feel okay again.

Sorry. This wasn't supposed to turn sad.

Now, I can sense when a reaction is coming, sometimes. What's rough is when I can sense the reaction coming but can't get away from it. Example: about a year ago, I was sitting in church during morning surface back with the rest of the youth group and there was one person making some noise. I tried to ignore it, but it invaded my brain, drilling through my skull. I looked around and saw someone swinging those beaded necklaces around. I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore it again, but I got to the point beyond all reasoning and thought and whipped around and started screaming at them. *cringes at memory* Not fun. For anyone involved.

I also wonder if my claustrophobia is related to my sensory, because I'm not always claustrophobic. I curl up in the smallest nooks and crannies all the time and don't mind feeling enclosed at certain times. But I can't stand crowds. Is it maybe just sensory overload acting under the guise of claustrophobia? And the only reason I dislike elevators is because I get a sick feeling in my stomach right as it starts moving and right when it stops. I don't particularly enjoy feeling like my stomach has risen five inches, or the weird yellow-ish "I might throw up" feeling that wonderfully enough is unique to elevators.

I feel like I still haven't made anything any clearer.

Oh well. I'll just try again in a later chapter XD

If anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask and I'll do my best to answer :)