Free Bird

Chapter 5

Danny's POV:

I danced two dances with Sammy and then I was parched. He generously provided me with another beer and another shot and then another beer while he led me around and introduced me to people, just like he needed to. I needed to become a staple at every gathering to make this work. I needed to be able to slip in and out of every party without anyone questioning my presence. I needed to be everyone's friend.

I was feeling pretty grateful to Sammy for making that possible. But, then again, I knew he was doing this all for his own benefit as well as for the benefit of his buddies. I'd do the same thing for anyone that Creed allowed him to "formally" introduce me to. He was my shoe in after James.

James couldn't babysit me forever. He had his own clientele to cater to and, while I haven't been told who they are precisely, I'm fairly certain that he deals with a more... mature... crowd. The type that you find strung out in dilapidated old trailers and back alleys, shaking and scheming to get their next fix.

They're what happens when you start using and get hooked but don't have a nice picket fence to hide behind when the shit hits the fan and you're broke and need another hit. They're what happens when you have no other way to block out the pain that wistfulness and dreams of fairy tail endings cause you. Dreams and endings that you discover are fake.

They're what happens when you allow yourself to feel anything below the surface for too long until it becomes a habit. They're the result of allowing the demons to surface until they drive you mad with their clawing and clambering and gnawing. They're what happens when you entertain the idea of "something more" for longer than you should.

In short, entertaining emotions, hopes, and expectations becomes the addiction and for many, drugs are the twelve step program that leads straight to hell.

And that's why I didn't bother fighting with Creed about my position here for too long. I foolishly clung to my fantasy of a clean life for longer than I should have and probably made a fool of myself in front of my new employer, but I knew in the beginning that it was too good to be true. I had a stupid idea of a different life and was granted the mercy of having it completely squashed right in front of me before I could let my fantasies really run wild. I knew my place.

So long as I didn't hold onto that dream long enough to be hurt so bad that I ended up like them: all strung out and desperately trying to forget and numb the pain that is caused by high expectations on a low budget with a shitty upbringing. Putting shit up my nose and swallowing pills and shoving dirty needles into my veins because they offer the promise of a brief reprieve from the mirror in my brain that tells the truth about who I am and what my life has actually fucking come to.

It's not like I haven't been there before. But I've been there long enough to know that that's not how I want to go out and briefly enough to be able to quit without treatment. I've been there long enough to understand that the problem is that people don't know how to detach themselves without the aide of drugs. I've been there long enough to know that detaching myself is the best way to survive and stay out of the back alleys begging for a bump.

When I spotted the beer bong I knew it was show time. I pull this off, cut myself off for the night, and get a free ticket out of here before someone gets too handsy. I have no interest in fucking a stranger. Or anyone for that matter. I wouldn't say I'm "saving myself" per se, but I kind of am. The last time I wanted someone, he went to prison. He's gone now, in a cage. They took him from me like they took everyone else. Not that he was ever really mine. Just another hope and dream that will never come to be.

Also, I've heard that the first time hurts. I really don't want to hurt... there. So, yeah. I'm scared.

As soon as my beer bong show was over, this okay looking dude asked me for a dance, so I figured I may as well. I'm pretty sure James is inside somewhere and I need to be finding him so I can figure out my way back to my little studio apartment above the gym, anyway.