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Introduction.

Introduction.

"Sometimes the thing that breaks your heart ends up fixing your vision." × UNKNOWN

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There has to be an award I can give myself at this very moment. An award for having the best facade ever. Here I am, shaking the hands of my fellow sister's and brother's in Christ while I'm literally boiling inside with anger. Anger for the one sin I've allowed to pull me by the nose.

Abafana!

Or in simple, day to day English... Trash. Pure and evil trash. I mean look at me, yes I'm not the hottest of the hottest or even the most flattering to the eye but I do deserve love too. The forbidden love that church always prohibits us from having. I look around here one more time before leaving. Yes, today is definitely the hottest Thursday I've lived through. Even now, I'm sweating like a pig under this thin layer of fabric.

'Maybe you should lose some weight Zanokuhle, you're getting too fat now.'

Yes maybe I should, but I'm trying. I really am.

My phone vibrates again from between my boobs and no, like the whole damn day I was not going to answer it. I'm not going to talk to him. I don't have the strength for that.

I shut the door of my Chery and bring her engine to life after three failed attempts. I don't know what's wrong with her but I do hope that even after four years together she'll come through for me like she's always done. This funny noise I'm hearing right now has to disappear!

I already know what I'm going to do when I get home. I'm going to indulge in a glass of fine orange juice, eat a slice of cake and listen to Sade while crying my eyeballs out. That seemed reasonable. I was heartbroken after all. Because of trash. I have been for the past two days after finding my trash in the sheets with another -after his phone 'accidentally' called me in the middle of the night. The forbidden things I heard on that call led me to his apartment.

Let's just say, I thought today's prayer afternoon would make me feel better than before, but it didn't. It instead made me question a lot of things like why did I agree to this relationship and why did she have to look way better than I do, and if McDonalds was going to have that two-for-one special anytime soon.

My ride home is a short one. I get off with my bible, keys and high heels dangling by their straps on my fingers. Right. My plan has been set in motion, it even felt like my tears were ready to free themselves from me before I could even get into our four roomed house. I take in a deep breath because no one really had to see me cry or anything like that.

"Zanoooo!" The high pitched voice of my neighbor catches me off guard. In the midst of all of this I forgot about this woman.

When the heck did she even come outside?

"Yebo Mama Lilly." I yell back smiling. She has a grass broom in her hold as she stood upright facing me. Her dramatic sunhat nearly covers up her entire face.

"I see you are a come back from a church." She says.

I nearly chuckle at her words but this is what the dramatic woman speaks like for a living.

"Yes mama." I agree once again.
"That's a good, very good my child. Greet your sibling for me okay?" she asks and I nod.
"I'll do so mama, greet Lillian for me too." I wave at her before reaching for the doorhandle.

I bump into Khaya as I was about to step in. His tall self still shocks me till today even with the facts being, I'm the older one here.

"Hau Abo ameni baphelile? (Is church over?)" He asked throwing his soccer ball back and forth. I didn't need to ask cause I already knew. He was going to his sacred soccer practice to gather sweat and that pungent smell of the sun.

"It's called church Khaya."
"I don't care, futhi I have to go." He slips right passed me and runs off to the one and only meeting area - The soccer field. Yeah, some people are brave. Even with this heat.

I forget that he doesn't really believe in God. I walk in spotting Buhle busying herself with schoolwork on the lounge table.

I greet her. She greets me back. My plan is not to disturb her any further than that because I know the importance of focusing on schoolwork to the fullest, in order to achieve nothing but the best. Which makes me wonder if Khaya even touched a book today. Not that he does that willingly though but with a little bit of encouragement you'll see him with one.

"Haibo Buhle..." Forget the 'do not disturb' plan. "...where's my slice of cake?"
"Cake?" She asks looking up from her books.
"Yes, cake. I didn't eat my slice yesterday." I didn't eat anything yesterday for that matter.
"I didn't see it when I looked in the fridge this morning." She shrugs.
"So Khaya took my cake."
"You and I both know Khaya doesn't like cake. It can't be him." She says.

Well then, there goes half my soul.

"Laze lamnandi ikhekhe boh.(What a delicious cake.)" Zonke says walking into the kitchen, holding the only evidence of what was my cake. When did she even come back here? She's been gone for almost two weeks now and believe me, I'm glad she and her baby bump look fine.
"You could've asked me whose cake it was though before eating it. That was Zano's cake." Nobuhle says.

True. She could've. But, I know my older sister. Asking is not something she has in her genes.

"Shame man, but you're already fat. So this is actually helping you." Zonke says throwing the cake tray into the trash bin before heading back to where she came from. She was right. She did do me a favour.

I take my orange juice and retreat to my room and as I promised myself, the music is playing loud enough for me to wail in peace. Wail for failing to keep my Zweli for more than these seven months. I'm a joke.

This stupid phone vibrates again. This time I take it out. It's covered in boob sweat.

"Stop calling me please." I answer.
"Just listen to me okay." He says.

"No, Zweli stop calling me."
"Space? Is that what you want?" He asks me but I end the call out of anger. With the same energy I dial Nyiso's numbers and she doesn't answer. I didn't expect her to answer my call in any case because she said she'd be busy.

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"You have to forgive me Zano. I'm sorry." I read the fiftieth message he's sent me today.

How unbelievable!

Not the fact that he's asking me to forgive him, but the fact that it's past ten in the evening and I'm actually considering forgiving that man. I want to reply back...

I toss my phone aside and switch off the stereo, pulling the blankets over my head and attempt to sleep but it barely works. All I keep seeing is him with the one girl he said he didn't even like. I choke. I'm really a whole clown right now. A joke.

That's the award I probably deserved.