Don't Let Me Forget

XXI - You Were The Only One

"When we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind." - Unknown

Waking up was hard. Really really hard. Steve wasn't looking forward to spending the rest of his life like this. But he had to. He knew it. He just couldn't believe it.

Nothing was the same since the accident. Nothing. Everything was so different and yet, the same as before. Before meeting her. It felt like taking a step backward, towards the past and his previous life. Nothing was making sense anymore. Nothing.

Since Natasha was gone, Steve was lost. Or he thought so. But it was much deeper than that. It was indescribable. And hard. Really hard.

Steve thought the hardest part of his life had been losing his mother, Sarah, his former best friend, Bucky, and then, his first love, Peggy. But nothing had prepared him for losing the love of his life, Natasha, and their baby. Nothing.

And yet, he knew that having someone this important in his life was too beautiful to be real. It was just a matter of time before she would be taking away from him. And he was right.

Since they were gone, since Natasha and their baby were gone, Steve had stopped living. There were no purposes to his life anymore, no goals and desires.

But the one thing that was the most painful since losing her, was losing her every night, over and over again. This pain and this feeling of having her back in his arms, falling asleep on him her head on his shoulder, right after his proposal on her twenty-fifth birthday, just for her to die all over again. It was too much.

Steve couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't fall asleep anymore without seeing her, kissing her, making love to her, making her laugh, or without trying to know what it would have been like to raise their child together. What it would have been like to have a baby in their lives.

Would it have been a boy ? Or maybe a girl ? What would have been the name of the baby ? Would the baby have Natasha's red hair and her beautiful green eyes ? Or would the baby have his daddy's blue eyes and his dark blonde hair ? These are the questions Steve would never have the answers to.

And it was too painful. Too painful not to know. Too painful to live a life without the love of his life. Without Natasha.

Sometimes, just like tonight, he would hear someone calling him. Again and again. Over and over again. But Steve was never paying attention to this call. Nothing mattered anymore. So why would he answer ? And why would somebody call him in the middle of his nightmare ? It didn't make sense.

Nothing was making sense.

"Steve ?"

No, please no. Not again. He couldn't live this nightmare anymore.

"Steve ?"

He just wanted this voice to go away. Even if he loved her so very much, it was too hard to watch her and the baby die without being able to do something about it. He just needed her to go away. It was too hard.

"Steve. Baby. You need to wake up."

Please, please, please, please.

"Steve, sweetheart. It's time. I'm not gonna be here for a long time. Wake up baby please."

What ? Why would she ask him to wake up ? She never did it. So why would she now ?

"Steve baby, open your eyes for me please."

As he heard her voice again, all he wanted to do was to answer, more than anything else. But for some reason tonight, he just couldn't. He couldn't reply. He couldn't reply to her.