short stories → wolfstar

panic attacks

                                     sirius

as i toss and turn for the one thousandth time i realise i'm not going to get to sleep any time soon. my mind is still in potions, whirring, trying to remember every combination of agrippa and dandelion roots for the exam tomorrow. remus has all the knowledge embedded in his brain like its second nature. he's having no trouble with this exam. my eyes flit to his empty four post bed and i let out a sigh. my favourite thing in the world is watching him sleep. the way his cheek becomes more plump as he rests his palm snuggly underneath, the way his pyjama top would ride up, showing his toned stomach, the way he'd mumble in his sleep and adorably drool a bit and how his curls would become messier and messier throughout the night. but he's not here. he's doing prefect duties around the castle with his boyfriend dylan. his stupid, drop dead gorgeous ravenclaw boyfriend. there's no reason why he shouldn't date him. dylan's biggest achievement is heroically saving a first year from a boggart, resulting in him gaining a services to the school award. whilst my greatest accomplishment is dying james' hair pink for the day without him realising. in the eyes of someone as intellectual and witty as remus, it was no competition really.
maybe what i need right now to clear my head.

as i slump down the winding stairs to the common room, i quickly realise i'm not alone. i can see a figure with his head in his hands, sat in front of the crackling fire.
"moony?" i whisper at the hunched silhouette.
"sirius?" he looks up at me with two shining, bloodshot eyes, his eyebrows creased in pure anxiety.
"shit, remus what's wrong?" i exclaim, running to his trembling body. i take his shaking hand in mine and stroke it gently.
"remus" i repeat "what's got you like this?"

his lip quivers gently, reminding me of a timid child. he fumbles with an empty mug of hot chocolate, running his thumb nervously around the rim.
"sirius i-" but he doesn't finish his sentence, his breathing becomes laboured and tears flood down his freckled cheeks. he drops the mug to the floor with a clatter, making him shake even more violently, grabbing at my clothes like a lifeline.
"remus?" i panic, as he clutches his throat for air "remus look at me" i try to hide the tremor in my voice.

that's when his eyes roll into the back of his head and he loses consciousness.
"REMUS!" i cry, i cannot lose him. i just can't. i have no clue what's happening. how serious this is or not.
"aguamenti!" i yell at his empty hot chocolate mug. slowly, it fills with the gleaming liquid as i stroke remus' curls to calm me down, his forehead is boiling hot.

as soon as the water is full i throw it over his face, making him splutter and sit bolt upright, his eyes wide with fear, his limbs flailing in fright.
"remus!" i exclaim, as his amber eyes stare widely up at me, completely panic stricken.
"i-i'm so sorry" he stutters "i-i have no clue
w-what happened. i'm s-so sorry. i'm a monster sirius. n-nobody in this s-school would like me i-if they knew what... w-what i'm capable of-"
"remus shut up" i gently smooth down his damp curls "you are not a monster. in fact you're the opposite. remus you fold your socks and say shit like 'i'll be two ticks'" i watch as he smiles weakly. "you aren't a monster"
"if they knew..."
"then they'd love you all the same moons. just like i do"
"you... you love me?" his eyes shine wide.
"everyone does" i mumble, trying to cover the clear scarlet my cheeks are going. you've really screwed up now sirius, my inner voice scolds.
"oh" he sighs looking to the floor, rubbing his nose sweetly "okay. thank you for helping me siri. it means everything. telling me that everyone cares about me it means more than you could-"
"i lied" i mutter, biting my lip with nerves.
"what?" he moves away from me a little, his brow furrowed "people... don't care about me?" his eyes begin to well up again.
"no, not that. i lied. nobody loves you like i do"
"sirius..."
"i love you remus. and i hate you. i hate when you aren't around. i hate when you are unhappy. i hate when at the end of the day, i'm not who you love. i hate how i'm not the one who makes you happy. i hate how i have to watch you love someone else, someone who's so clever. but most of all i hate how i don't hate you. not even a little bit. not even at all. it would all be so much easier if i just hated you, but i dont. i love you"
"jesus sirius..."

and without warning he presses his hot lips against my own freezing ones. he uses so much power, yet he's so delicate. his lips are so soft and tender, it's all i've wanted for the longest time.
he gasps "i love you too"
i stare at him in awe.
"what about dylan?"
"he's perfect sirius. he's absolutely incredible"
i feel my heart sink.
"he's perfect in every single way. he's clever, he's funny, he's generally gorgeous. but he has the biggest flaw in the entire universe"
"what's that?" i sigh
"he's not you" he grins gently. it's completely infectious, i can't help but join in.
"after this, a potions test seems easy" i chuckle before i lean in for another heart melting kiss.

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absolutely stunning art by lunorichi 🥺😍💖😭💕💗💖
i hope you all are having the best day <3

i used a quote from '10 things i hate about you' 😁😁