Lost at Sea ⋆ JJ Maybank

𝕰pilogue

August 11th, 2020

Kathryn is sitting at the docks again.

The first week isn't the worst one, Kathryn realises. She keeps herself busy. She makes sure everything is ready for Max's return on monday, she helps Henry hide the engagement ring he wants to surprise his boyfriend with, she buys the right food, the right drinks.

She doesn't talk about it. If she does, it's by accident, and she leaves the room to go outside and breathe in, breathe out. She's been through death before, she knows how to handle it. Her best friend just had to go and get killed the same way her dad did, didn't he?

Of course, going outside doesn't help, because then she's left staring at the roof of the Camerons' house, and she feels like shit for not grieving Sarah the same way she does John B. Sarah had been her friend too. But the weight of losing her brother was already too much to bear, and if she thought about it for too long, she would slip and tumble down the road she's ran before.

So no, the first week wasn't the worst one. It was when she stopped. When she had nothing else to do but sit there with her guilt like it was the old friend it took from her. It's sunday, and she wishes she could tell him about the way Henry's eyes shine every time she brings up the ring.

It's a certain kind of guilt, to grieve someone you had so much to live with.

She doesn't speak to her friends a lot these days. She can barely bring herself to exist on her own. She wouldn't be able to talk about it even if she tried to. She drove John B away. She would have to carry that fact with her everyday forward. Seeing her friends' heartbreak just makes it heavier.

But every night, at the docks, they join her without saying anything. The four of them sit in silence and look back at the sea, wondering if they're in there, somewhere. They listen to the wind, and if they're lucky, it sounds like them.

"Max is coming home tomorrow," she says, breaking the silence.

JJ thinks it's the first time he's heard her voice this week. "How's he doing?"

"Good enough to be coming home. Happy to leave the food behind, his kidney, less so."

Pope lets out a small laugh. Kie looks away.

She's angry. At no one in particular, really, but Kathryn recognises it. She wipes harshly at her cheeks. Max gets to come home, and she's happy for him and Kat, she really is, but not all of them made it back. Everything is a reminder of what they lost.

She walks away. "I just... I'll be right back."

Pope stands up after her. "I'm going to check up on her."

He follows her, leaving JJ and Kathryn behind. He turns to her, and something painful in his eyes makes her scoot closer to him, until they're shoulder to shoulder. They stare back at the sea.

She's not sure what they're waiting for. Something in her tells her that John B is still out there, and she has to keep hoping that he'll come back. To be ready for when he does. But she did the same for her dad, and it took her right back to the docks.

Except this time, John B isn't here to hold her through it all. He's not there to lie to her and tell her that it'll be okay.

JJ holds her hand. She lets him.

🫧

August 16th, 2020

The Pogues went through his stuff today.

It was all over the place, but then again, the Château always had been. It's not exactly a legal activity either – JJ has just been crashing there for the time being, and staring at everything reminded him too much of John B. Everything did.