Roommates

chapter 36

Zola  

*TW: mention of suicide*

I never wanted him to find out this way.

He wasn't supposed to find out this way.

I was going to tell him, but I was going to do it when I was ready, when I knew he wouldn't leave me because of it.

"Lee..." I reached out to the saddened man and he pulled away from me.

The man who'd lift me and embrace me every time he saw me, the man who'd kiss me before we went to sleep, the man who'd hold me whenever he noticed I wasn't feeling like myself wouldn't let me touch him.

I looked down and allowed the warm tears to slide down my cheeks.

Lee sat on the couch with his back slouched and his head resting in his hands, his shoulders rose and fell irregularly.  I took a deep breath and sat in the arm chair diagonal from him.

"Can I... can I explain myself?"

"How do you explain killing a little girl, Zola? What happened to not holding anything from me?" Lee lifted the obituary without looking up at me.

I took a shuttered breath and leaned forward.

I don't want to lose him and I'd be a fool to think he won't leave me after this, but he deserves an explanation.

"Please."

Lee thought for a few minutes and finally raised his head, with exhaustion floating in his eyes, he slowly nodded.

I took a deep breath and prepared to tell him everything.

"When I was 17 I did a lot of stupid things, most of them were to get attention from my parents.  I started dating a drug dealer... his name was Penn.  He'd help me do shit to piss off my dad.

We'd steal from stores, vandalize buildings, drink or smoke a lot then go streaking, a lot of dumb stuff.  In the end, it would all fall on my dad, the chief of police.  I wanted to force him to pay attention to me, Penn wanted to be able to do illegal things without consequence. He... he used me.

One day, we got really drunk and... Penn wanted to go for a ride." I allowed my head to fall into my shaking hands and quietly cried.

I've never told anyone the full story.

Lennox and Daya got the shortened version and my parents had to get it from Penn, I gave the truth to some of Penn's lies in the story and I never spoke about it in detail.  I'd even tiptoe around it in therapy.

Lee took a deep breath and nodded at me, he slowly outstretched his hand with a tissue in it and I took it to dry my wet face.

"I always agreed to whatever he said, this time he said we'd drive around a few neighborhoods, blast music in the car, break a lot of traffic rules, he was sure that someone would be forced to pull us over sooner or later.

But then," My voice began to crack and I shook my head, "Then Penn made a change in plans.  It started to rain, so he pressed his foot on the gas and started to speed, he said that it would be more fun and dangerous that way.

We were in my parents new Tesla and all of a sudden, I was scared.  I'd spent so many months doing dumb shit with him for attention, but as soon as I felt like my life was actually in danger, I got scared.

I was so messed up and I couldn't tell my left from my right, but I knew he was going too far. I tried to stop him, Lee, I swear I tried," I broke down and cried into my cold hands, I couldn't help but to imagine the night all over again as I heard the words spill out of my mouth.