Serendipity: The Amazing Journey Of A Soulmate

54. Bring down your walls

REEA

I haven't slept all night. Not because of the wound, but because of him. Of what he did. Jungkook, that handsome little rascal, kissed me. Sweet and softly, in the gentlest and the most surprising way possible, sweeping me off my feet. He's been quite bold around me, mostly flirty, but I never imagined he had it in him to do that. My heart almost came out of my chest, beating like a crazy drum at the hands of its master. I melted into him because I genuinely yearned for his touch, for this type of approach. It almost happened a few nights ago during the camping trip, in those woods. I would've left him, but I was so scared and I still am. I'm terrified. I'd rather have physical confrontation and get wounded every day than having to give my heart away again. There is a certain pain that a heart carries with it after it has been broken, I know that. It's natural, human. But mine was not broken. Mine was squished under one's feet. It has been trampled on along with my mind. That night, when that monster beat the living shit out of me, he didn't just destroyed my body. He destroyed my self esteem, my trust and any chance I had at loving again. And I am not hurt because he didn't love me, but because I was fooled. Like an idiot, I trusted him, put all my faith in him, because in my mind that's what love equals with: trust. I loved and I lost.

I am mad at myself because I should've known. There were signs which I ignored or was too blind to see. I've been working hard on this along the years. This healing process has been difficult and exhausting, but I did well. However, there is this part of me, the one that bears scars, which cannot seem to get any better. It's an inner paradox: to desperately want to fill an empty place inside your heart, yet to refuse to do it out of fear. Maybe I am a coward who's just faking bravery. Because I realize that the more I deny myself this, the more I want it. No, I need it. My soul needs to be whole again. And Jungkook, for some unknown reason, keeps giving me signals that he might be able to do just that. He is kind, of that I'm perfectly aware. I see it in the way he treats others. And there is a fire inside him burning like a house aflame: vicious, majestic, unstoppable. I'm attracted to that fire. It gives me energy.

"Aish! Seriously, why the hell am I thinking about that little prick? Can't my mind think about cases like any normal cop?" I say to myself, throwing away the pillow that I used to rest my leg on during sleep and it lands on the floor, on the other side of the bed. It helped me adjust my body into a position where I won't stretch my wound. I stay like that, lying in my bed and doing nothing for half an hour until I decided I'm too bored and I should just go back to work. I can't stay trapped in here. After the incident with my-...I mean, that guy, I developed a low tolerance at staying inside the house. Maybe because I've spent too much time locked in that small apartment, with no contact at all with other people that I need now to be out there, on the streets. That's one of the reasons why I chose to be on patrol more than my other colleagues in the police. 

I slowly get up in a sitting position, careful not to make any sudden moves, then push myself up until I stand up. I look down at me and I remember how troubled I was last night that I went to sleep wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. I cross the room to where my dresser is, unbuttoning my shirt and letting it fall on the floor near the bed. I'll wash that later when I'll feel better. That if Carlos doesn't decide to make a bed out of it. I look in the direction of the balcony, spotting my cat in its usual place, looking at the people on the street as it always does. Carlos would wake up early in the morning and spend couple of hours on the balcony, just gazing at the outside world, while waiting for me to wake up and feed him. This cat is as odd as me. Maybe that's why we love each other so much. It senses my eyes on it and just throws me a glance then returns to its staring hobby.

"Yo, don't stay too long out there. The sun is already burning strong today." I let him know, not exactly waiting for a reply. The sound of my phone receiving a message makes me turn my attention to the nightstand where I left it to charge last night.