Serendipity: The Amazing Journey Of A Soulmate

57. Everything's a mess

INNA

The warm summer breeze brushes over me, making strands of my hair fly restlessly onto my face, immediately sticking to my sweaty forehead and neck. I try inhaling deeply but there is no oxygen coming in. My lungs burn and my breaths become more rapid and shallow. My limbs are trembling and I feel like I don't have enough air. I recognize the signs immediately: a panic attack. It's been years since I had one. I take a few unsure and staggering steps towards the crowded street, but I suddenly feel too weak to stand. Letting my back fall roughly on the wall of a building nearby, I try to calm myself.
There are too many thoughts in my head, accelerating and taking my breath away.

Calm down! I scream to myself inside my mind, as all my fears tumble out like a hard rain. He is here. Jonathan is here. He will fuck up everything like he always does. How did he find me? I never told anyone-
He said he saw me at the nightclub, but how did he find where I live? Who told him about South Korea? I even changed my name when I left UK, as a precaution.
And Namjoon. Oh my God, Namjoon! He knows about him too. What kind of sick joke is that? Everytime I think I have everything figured out, life comes and punches me in the gut, laughing in my face for having the nerve to believe that I can actually be happy. When is it all going to stop? What wrong have I done to be tormented like this? I just wanted to be left alone and maybe, just maybe...have a little love in my life.
I let myself slide down the wall and wrapping my arms around my waist, I crouch on the ground. Inhale. Exhale. Jonathan. Inhale. Exhale. Jonathan. I don't know how long I remain bent down like this in the middle of the street with people passing by me without even giving me a glance. I'm in pain. I am in so much pain right now, but people don't care about your pain. It's yours and yours alone to deal with.

The smell of warm street food brought by the wind mixes with that of hot concrete and urine from the disgusting backstreets, making it impossible to stomach. I can no longer stay here so I force myself to get up and find a taxi. My car is left somewhere at the mall, but I have no intention to retrieve it now.
Surprisingly, I find a cab immediately. A little bit of luck after such a shitty day. I'm pretty sure I look how I feel: lost and hopeless.

Seeing me so disoriented, the driver asks me politely, "Are you okay, Miss?" I'm too overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts to form a coherent sentence but I manage to blurt out an "yes".

"You don't seem to be very well." he insists with a concerned expression on his face. Can he shut up? I don't wanna talk.

"I'm fine!" I snap at him and instantly regret it. He has no fault in all this. "I'm sorry. I'm fine, just boyfriend issues" I say, not entirely a lie.

"Oh, I see." he says a bit unconvinced. All the ride to my apartment I don't say anything else and the driver decides to leave me alone. But I notice him checking on me from time to time in the mirror. When I arrive in front of my apartment building, I'm starting to feel afraid to get inside the house and be alone with my thoughts so I call Mirae. She answers after a few rings.

"Inna, what's up?" she cheerfully says.

"Where are you?" I ask out of the blue, my tone scaringly flat.

"I'm at a dinner with my colleagues from the news station, remember?" she replies. Yeah, I guess she mentioned it today during our lunch.

"Can you come to my apartment?" I say in a rushed voice as I stand in front of the building entrance, circling around until I almost get dizzy.

"I just arrived here, but I can stop by when we finish lat-" I don't let her finish.

"Can you come now?" I ask and the urge in my voice alarmates her.