Serendipity: The Amazing Journey Of A Soulmate

77. Judas

INNA

Everything will end today. The nightmare that has been haunting my life and my dreams for so long will finally be over. I should be happy. I should be relieved. But the truth is, I don't feel any of these things. I don't see any joy or peace in this outcome. My demons may be locked away, but I am left with nothing. I lost my love, my dream and now that I have this freedom, I don't know what to do with it. I am alone.

Humans are lonely. It's part of who we are. We enter this world alone and we depart it alone.

Yes, there are people waiting for us at birth, like doctors and nurses and our mothers. They all cheer for us and patiently wait to take our first breaths into the new life. And when we die, there are also people sending us away. Those who are left behind, those whose journeys still continue.

But we're walking each of these paths alone. Humans have loneliness in their blood. It's in our nature, like an extension of our own body. And this loneliness follows us like a shadow our whole life.

We come into this world bringing pain and we leave in pain too. We cause pain to the others; to our mothers who break their bodies so they can have us; to our families and friends when we leave this world behind.

We are born to hurt and we die to hurt. Every other choice we make during our life is just a consequence of how we enter and leave this life.

I feel like I have reached a state of neutrality. A state where the beginning and the end collided. I am lonely and I hurt people. The question is: am I being reborn or am I going to fall prey to a premature death? This is a death of the soul. A death of the purpose. When everything will go to hell later, when Jonathan will be handcuffed along with his little troublesome team, I will lose the only thing that I have left.

People haven't always been there for me, but law was. My job, my purpose, my oldest friend...It was the only thing that I never had to worry about losing, the only certain thing I had in my life. I used to think that no matter what people steal from me, no matter how many times I am robbed of things and feelings and emotions, I will always have that. The court, the cases, the thrill of pleading in front of the judge. I guess all good things come to an end.

And now I will gladly give up on it to set myself free from my chains. I don't see it as a loss, although I'll miss it dearly, but as a sacrifice my closest friend is willing to do for me so that I can be free. So Namjoon can be safe. Just like I said to him before, life takes things away from us, but it always gives us something in return. I'm giving away my dreams for another dream. I'm giving away a friend for another friend. A love of the mind in exchange of the love of the soul.

The only question is, is there any love to come back to? Will there be anything left to return to when all it's over? Probably not.

I look in the huge mirror on the wall of the fancy restroom, taking in the spectacular red dress I am currently wearing. I went overboard with getting ready tonight, choosing the most exquisite piece I found in the stores: a vintage strapless red dress, asymmetrical, with the front part falling a bit over my knees, while the part in the back falling to my heels, just like a tail. It's voluminous and magnificent at the bottom while the top part is a simple corset with triangular shaped cups. In my feet I'm wearing my regular high black stilettos and my hair falls in waves over my back, covering my exposed skin. I look like a vintage diva and I don't even recognize myself. But yet again, who am I anymore? Loss changes people and I had enough of that in my life. Taking out the lipstick from my purse, I apply it gently on my lips, retouching my make-up. I smack my lips together for it to spread evenly and then I'm done. With one more look in the mirror, I take a deep breath and leave the restroom. I can do this. I have to. Let's go!