Escape || an LGBT+ story (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 16

I walk over the pavement to my house, very careful when I have to cross a street. Never again.

I have to cross the street where the accident happened as well. When my eyes fall on the spot where Joshua laid, my mind flashes back and everything happens again. I can feel my own fear, see Joshua's face with his eyes shut and shiver, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. A woman turns to me and asks me: 'Are you alright, young lady?'

For a moment I do not realize she is talking to me. Last weeks, pretty much all the nurses have called me by my boy's name and used the right pronouns. All of a sudden, I am reminded of the fact that back home, I will be called by my dead name and the wrong pronouns again.

I really don't want to go home...

I smile at the lady. 'Yes, I'm alright. I just felt a bit dizzy for a moment.'

'Be careful in this hot weather. If you don't hydrate yourself well, you might get a heat stroke.' the woman says. 'Are you headed somewhere close?'

'Yes, just a few minutes away. I'll be fine.' I reassure her.

'Okay, good.' the lady smiles. 'Beautiful young ladies like you should take good care of themselves. You'll have a bright future when you're this pretty, with a good husband and beautiful kids.'

Yikes. Who says I want that?

Also, I try so hard to look like a boy, and this is what I get? Maximum dysphoria levels.

'Ah, thanks.' I say, awkwardly looking away as I suddenly remember what society expects from me again. Sadly, not everyone is as open-minded as Lara, Lars and Tamara.

***

When I get home, I am greeted by my mom. 'Hey Jasmin, are you finally back home? We missed you!'

Dad is home too. 'Yes, we did. How was it at Jamie's?'

'Nice!' I say. 'But, you know, chaotic, like usual.'

Mom laughs. 'I can imagine. Did you two not make it even more chaotic?'

'No, not at all!' I "joke", putting on an innocent face. 

'So you did.' Mom concludes. 'Silly kids.'

If only she knew...

I take my bags upstairs after a bit more small-talk and fall on my bed face-forward. My bed is the only thing I missed here. Since I refused to leave Joshua's side -I mean, he's my saviour, I owe him at least that- I slept in a chair next to his bed most of the time. Ever since he woke up last monday, I agreed to sleep in the empty bed the nurses offered me, not too far away from Joshua's room. But my own bed is still superior.

I roll on my back, plug my earbuds in and select my spotify playlist Summer vibes, adding Wave by Ateez too, since Jamie talks about it way too much lately. Actually, I prefer Illusion. But today I am in a Wave mood, because the weather is nice. 

I don't really have a specific music taste. It relies on my mood, and actually my only criterium is that it's good quality. I listen to different languages. Of course Korean and English, but Spanish too, and some Mandarin as well.

Oh, that's a fun story. I discovered a nice Taiwan singer named Aaron Yan a while ago, when he got brutally outed as gay by his ex-boyfriend. A video of that popped up in my recommends, I checked out his music and ever since, I was hooked.

Aside from different languages, I like different genres too. Rap, R&B, hiphop, soul, pop, metal, electronic... like I said, it depends on my mood. From time to time I also have these phases where I want to listen to these old 2000-2010 songs of famous artists like Justin Bieber, Beyoncé, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift. These songs just have that vibe that brings back old memories, and I like that a lot.

Oh, and not to forget: I've had a christian phase too, where I strictly listened to christian artists only. Actually, some of them are not even that bad. There's this rock singer named Colton Dixon, he's been on Idols too, but he is so talented and his songs are really catchy, so he kind of stayed around in my playlist.

Anyway, with summer songs in my ears, I close my eyes and recall the events of the past two weeks.

Actually, it wasn't too bad, sitting next to Joshua's bed all day. I have written in my diary, I chatted and called Jamie, Nick, Mike, Ian and Jake... the latter a bit less though. He doesn't use his crazy pick-up lines anymore, and barely ever chats first lately. He doesn't seem okay, so I want to ask Josh if he is okay with me visiting him, because I want to know what's wrong.

Oh, and now that Josh's mask is off, we can talk again, though he speaks with difficulty. I think that is gonna be fine soon though, when he wakes up more regularly. Tomorrow, I'll go visit him again. 

The past days were crazy. With the accepting nurses, being able to stare at my crush all day, holding his hand...

Thinking about that moment where he intertwined our fingers and I felt his heartbeat, I can feel my own heartbeat grow louder again. 

But wait-

Even if he may be developing feelings for me, does he like Jay or Jasmin? Does he see me as the boy I am or as the girl I have to pretend to be? Because if he sees me as a girl, and he discovers I'm a guy, will he still like me, Jay?

I shouldn't hope too much... but wait!

I recall the accident again, but this time the moment before it. Frowning, I try to remember what he called me again.

Then, I remember, very clearly.

"Jay! Watch out!"

 And then, I remember him saying my name not just once, but twice, when Ian and Jamie were there.

Jay.

He called me Jay.

***

Word count: 980

***

Triple update. And yes, I had to get my two non K-Pop idols in here too, UwU~