Escape || an LGBT+ story (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 48

Jake opens the door of the apartment, expecting to see Nick, but he only sees Mike and Ian.

'Is Nick still not home?' he asks in disappointment, closing the door behind him.

Mike nods towards Nick's room.

'Thanks.' After taking off his shoes, he walks towards Nick's room and knocks on the door.

After he had told Lara everything, she had shown a very obvious interest, resting her head in the palm of her hand. 'So, the "problem" is that you are gay for your best friend?'

'No! I...' Jake didn't know what to say.

'You...'

'I think my body is playing with me since I've abstained from sex for so long. No, I'm not gay.'

'But you're really worried about it. I can tell.'

'Yes, of course I'm worried. What if my body plays with me again and I end up actually doing something.'

'Oh, you're afraid he will turn you gay.' Lara's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

'No! Oh my god.' Jake groaned. 'Why did I even call you?'

'Because this is bothering you.' Lara helped. 

'Right. And you're being so helpful.'

'Why is it bothering you then?'

'Well, I...' Jake sighed. 'I don't trust myself. If I don't find a way to deal with my d*mn horniness... I am scared I'll lose control again and hurt him... like I did with Jay. I don't want to hurt him, he's like such a beautiful person and an awesome friend and he deserves nothing but good things but I- I just-'

'Yep, you're gay.' Lara confirmed.

'But I-'

'And very dense.'

Jake sighed. 'Then tell me what you see exactly.'

'Well, you have feelings for Nick. But since it is your first time being in love, you are confused. Simple like that. Tell me, what happened after that?'

When Jake told her the rest of the story, she said: 'D*mn Jake, you're an idiot. I understand you are scared of hurting him, but by treating him this way you're just hurting him even more.'

'What should I do then? If there's one person I cannot lose in this universe, it's him.'

'Sweety, if you are looking for a way to lose him, ignoring him is definitely the best option. If you don't want to lose him, you should be clear with him. Try to tell him what you are struggling with. Nick won't push you away, I'm sure. Tell him to tell you to stop when you slip. You care enough about him to restrain yourself if he tells you "no", I can see that. And he won't leave you because of your feelings, after all he already has two gay flatmates.'

Jake realized she was right, and that ignoring Nick was indeed not the way. Though the idea of talking about it with Nick still scared him.

After that, they had talked for a long time and he had gotten a second round of drinks for the two of them, and when he came back, they talked some more, and when he glanced at the time on his phone that was lying on the table, it was almost five o'clock. So they had told each other goodbye, after Lara had commanded him to keep her updated. She was way too excited about this.

She had said: 'Also Jake, jokes aside, I think you really made a lot of progress. It's like there's a whole different person in front of me. More responsible, I think. It's different from my expectations.'

That made Jake happy. If even Lara said it, it must be true, right? After all, he doesn't know what more he can do about the mistakes he made except for feeling the guilt, apologizing and reassuring it doesn't happen anymore. He does kinda wish he could do more, but has no idea what. Maybe staying away from Jay's life is the only thing he can do right now.

Jake knocks on Nick's door again, since there is no response, and then opens the door. Nick is lying on his back in bed, asleep. It doesn't look like a planned nap, because he is lying on top of the blankets and sunlight is oozing in from the opened window.

It is at that moment that Jake once again realizes how much of a selfish person he is. He is always consumed with himself: I'm so pitiful, I want that, I think this, MY life is so hard, but when does he think properly about the effect his behaviour has on other people and the feelings that it causes.

No, it's not the first time he realizes this. But everytime he does, he hates himself again for the horrible person he is. 

Nick has sacrificed all his time for Jake, last week. Because of Jake, he had been unable to get a lot of sleep or to do anything for himself. And what does he receive in return? Jake pushes him away and burdens him with even more things to worry about.

His conscience gnawing at him painfully, he closes the door behind him quietly and tiptoes towards the window to close the curtains, after which he carefully drapes the thin blanket over Nick's body and sits down, observing him, his closed eyes, dark pink lips and his chest rising and falling in a regular pattern, as he thinks.

This feeling he is feeling right now, not just the desire to be pleased by the other, but also the desire to please the other, not just wanting to spend the night with that person, but also the day, and another day, and the rest of his life, is that love?

The feeling he feels when Nick smiles at him, hugs or compliments him, and at moments like this, just observing him, is that love?

With Jay, he thought it was love, but wasn't it just the same like with other "girls"? He was trying to escape from his past once again, but Jay didn't want him. So his feeling of want was never satisfied, and his desire grew until he, too scared to face the past, made that horrible mistake of assaulting Jay. 

He shakes his head. How is that love? It's selfishness. Pure selfishness.

With Nick, everything feels so different. Yes, he does want Nick in that way as well, but it is less important this time, way less important than not losing him. He wants to talk to Nick, to go out with Nick, to become a better person so he can deserve Nick -even though he could never-, to stay sober for the rest of his life for Nick, Nick's small and loving gestures, to spend the rest of his life with Nick and he doesn't want anyone else than Nick.

Nick deserves all the happiness in this world, and I want to give it to him.

Thinking about it, his feelings are not that bad. Not at all, actually. Nick really gives him the desire to fight his bad habits and become a better person. Maybe the reason why Jake has changed so far is truly Nick. He definitely has a big part in it, that's for sure. Without Nick, Jake couldn't have done it.

I should accept my feelings.

'I am in love with Nick.' he whispers to himself and nods in agreement.

Now, the next question is whether this love is destined to be one-sided, or if Nick could maybe love him in the same way.

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Word count: 1214

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This is my favourite chapter honestly. Character development.